Choking and Can’t Stop

Oh, the words!!

The words constantly floating in the back of my throat.
Don’t choke
Screams and shouts and anger and goats
Legit, goats, and men that stare at them

 

This has nothing to do with you. You are extra.

Fodder.

 

It feels like I’m drowning.
Bubbles for words
Swim past my lips
As you stare back at me
Through the glass walls
In my prison of silence.

 

Garroting the Echos.

“I just have… so many thoughts!” I said, turning to my unseen confidant.

My confidant and confessor (a she, I sensed) sat silently to my right draped in black veils and dark robes.

My hands smooth up my face and my thumbs slide to my temples as I lightly massage my head with my fingers, combating the tendrils of stress winding through my skull.

And there are so many thoughts… how can I possibly write them all down or track them for posterity.  

My silent companion didn’t move, in a stillness most artificial. I suddenly wondered, a tendril of thought, whether she was the harbinger.

And my dream spiraled away…

It’s those moments. Those small actions that harken back to memories of pain.

Continue reading Garroting the Echos.

Holding back for no fucking reason…

Words,
Bubble and swallow
Swishes and gargles, tickles my nose
Drains to my toes, wakes me at nights
Sneaks in my dreams, perversion it seems,
Why can’t I just
Say it.

Continue reading Holding back for no fucking reason…

Gods -Only the Silent Ones

Of course we’d want the silent gods.
Versus the Exodus and Genesis
When the thunder of voice
The strike of death, and the clear blade of reckoning
Descends.

Of course we’d want the silent gods
Rather than the kinder
Healing, forgiving and embracing
Weeping, weakening -tears of blood
Fall.

Continue reading Gods -Only the Silent Ones

Identity #8: F**king February

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Dissociation leads to isolation
Isolation leads to hate
I hate the dull February
Where happy thoughts drown with sadistic glee
Into the depression of the gray

February 6, 2016

Attending a mixer at work, I found myself floundering for introduction.

“Hi, nice to meet you! My name is _____.”

“___? Nice to meet you I am ____.”

Continue reading Identity #8: F**king February

Coffee #10: Finding Inner Peace

Rather than the (un)usual format of vocalized conversation with you, I wrote a series of journal entries that better encapsulates my debrief. With all sorts of weather in the western and eastern hemispheres, I figured I'd respect your availability and write to you, rather than demand you come for a "physical" coffee meeting as per the normal. Feel free to grab some coffee before starting. :)

1 WEEK AGO:

Again, trying not to scream

Not a good time, or place.

I’ve always held back screams. My whole life is a jar of screams that I carry around with me, and cork every new scream into.

How else can I keep this smile?

If there is nothing else I control, it’s that I never scream. I keep that jar hidden inside my chest and never ever open it. I might self destruct if I did.
Continue reading Coffee #10: Finding Inner Peace

Day 3: Sleep

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Source: weheartit.com

I spurn you
I avoid you
I…almost abhore you
But I need you.

I can’t live without you
Have no sanity without your
Guidance, no refreshment
Without your repose.

Continue reading Day 3: Sleep

An Odd Morning

My alarm blasts to life at 6:00am. My head feels stuffed with dull pain, the darkness through the windows contrast against the bright digital lights of my android. I register my surroundings.

Foreign.

Where?

Right. I’d crashed at someone’s place last night/this morning after missing the last transport back home.

Continue reading An Odd Morning