My Muse

I’m humming a tune that I can finally remember. I write it down. The words float to me easily, the melody plays in my ears, I am immersed in the sound of beauty. A few tweaks and I’m onto a masterpiece.

The ideas come freely, I am a-gaggle and a-goggle with giddy delight. I laugh and smile, a little less hollow now. I’m wrapped in words and the plot rolls before me like a river to chart my course to the path I had struggled to achieve and yet never quite approached.

I am watching romance films and I don’t know why but I find them charming rather than nauseating.

It’s like the bubbling in my chest, the joy of life, the crisp of autumn, all combine to make me alive. I want to be alive again, and my fingers and heart and soul are dancing a melody of something genuine and new, something unfolding from inside like a sheltered flower that finally bloomed.

This didn’t happen before and I don’t know what it means now that it is.

I just am.

I exist and for once, that’s okay.

Are you the one who unlocked my creative side? The side so still and cold I thought it maybe had died from neglect or… sadness.

With all this, I am feeling again, and that means that pain is on the way. Time to slaughter and slay and to forget all my names.

And yet I cradle it close, like a long lost lover. Captivated by it’s light and beauty. I am subdued by its power and it rules me. For a time, for a season. Will it fade away and leave me again with the gray?

Is this a love? Or is this pain disguised as pleasure?

When will you hurt me. Again.

Metal and edge, the beauty of a katana is not just in how it gleams in the light. But in its slash and cape of blood. Likewise, something this beautiful starts with joy and cuts to the quick in a sharp and incisive way. Needlepoint my heart. Cover my eyes, and make me love again.

It hurts, it’s love, it hurts.

It’s love.

It hurts.

It is raw and untethered, like grated nerves stretched for piano wire.

It cuts yet the sound is piercing.


I Miss… I Crave-

The tease of the ivory keys caressing my fingers
Swaying to the lullaby of the notes so precious
And ever present -they take me away
To a magical realm of sight and sound and harmony;
I want to return to the space of silence and meditation,
The resonance of the chords, the light aria of the melodies,
The foundational left to the playful and free right;
Together, sound the partnership,
Play a perfection,
Bring the heavens of the sky closer;
Sight unseen, yet I can hear them sing,
My heart beats wildly, my breath -an afterthought
As all I can hear, all I can see is the sound of emotion
Pouring from my heart to those ivory keys.

The mystery: how can your notes still give meaning to my effort
And my emotion?
Written hundreds of years ago, what a gift!
So beautiful still, so relevant still,
Salvation in my darkest hours…still…

These hands are so rusty now
Like metal in the rain, they are misshapen
And slow, eeking out a painful melody
Echoing a memory of perfection and speed
Ahhh, how it torments me!
But I can’t stop.
Broken I may be, but in no less way talented
The memories of ear and muscle return
I just work twice as hard now.

I no longer curse the gifts I do not own
I now cherish the talents I have been bestown.
But now, am I the pianist or the swooner?
Does it matter? It is no risk to be beguiled by the arts,
To be drawn aloft by the emoted voices of the keys.
Keys? Yes, keys
They unlock this rusty soul and alight the musty rooms
With passion so palpable, the heart bursts
With color and taste so potent
Even the brain cannot put it into words…

Give me the eyes to see
The total count of fingers to play
The full scope of memory and technique
To bring it all to life

Once again, once again,
Grant me the privilege to grace your keys
With my fingers…
Once again allow me to be in your presence;
Let us renew our partnership
Let us be one -together- again…
Sweep aside the guilt and time
And let us renew our passions-
Let us dance as we once did
Let our desire fold us, each into one another,
Let us lose ourselves to the beauty of possession,
Twirl to the heights of rabid obsession
Just you and I…

Coffee #16: When Squirrels and PS4s Collide

Fyi, this was supposed to go out last week. Then life happened. So here it is a week later.

This is more  of a compilation of interesting thoughts to share. You may need coffee just to get through, and it’s okay, I won’t judge you. Much. 🙂

Obese squirrels. They’re everywhere.

They scamper across the snow speckled lawn, waddling about, digging for nuts, eating and gorging. Their fluffy tails a banner behind them as they hop, hop, hop through the snow.

Continue reading Coffee #16: When Squirrels and PS4s Collide

A Dream from Yesterday

“A valet, of stealthy step, thence conducted me, in silence, through many dark and intricate passages in my progress to the studio of his master.”

– Edgar Allen Poe  “The Fall of the House of Usher”

I was back again.

Summer wind breathes warmth and welcome around the hustle and bustle of college students at the bus stop. I am in undergrad again and the campus remains familiar but warped. The essence remains accurate even though the layout and buildings are inaccurate/distorted, as dreams tend to do.

But I don’t care about any of that. My favorite band is playing in a matter of minutes, and I don’t want to be late.

Continue reading A Dream from Yesterday

Coffee #12: This is why we write sh*t down

“This.  World is on FI-YA”

If we were drinking coffee together…

I’d probably be ranting and raving about the state of life. You might roll your eyes as I vent about the strange and terrible world we live in, that death is widespread and refugees have no refugee. That ISIS isn’t just a fun name from Archer (which they did change, fyi) or from Egyptian mythology. That bombs are still strapped to children, that war is fought against concepts and fear -intangible threats we neither see nor can seize, so how then can we claim victory? You may stop pretending that you aren’t staring at your watch as I gripe over the fact that the world doesn’t care -that we’d rather kill, destroy, extinct, decimate, and burn it all down around us because… it doesn’t matter, there’s another planet just like Earth that we can fuck up after this!

Continue reading Coffee #12: This is why we write sh*t down

Awards: Versatile Blogger


  • Thank the person who gave you this award.
  • Include a link to their blog.
  • Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
  • Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award.
  • Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Thank you!

To Rosemawrites for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

I’ve been working on this post for a month, and… well… let’s put this through before it’s 2016 already!


Continue reading Awards: Versatile Blogger

Writing #9: Ha! What free time?

Wake up.
Put on some clothes and grab lunch.
Get to work -why should I have to sell time for paper?
Put on work personality for 8 hrs.
Go home.
Blog and watch tv.

By the way, the above sounds best when muttered to the tune of B.Y.O.B. by System of a Down. It captures the true frantic pace of my regime. 

Fun time in the Free time

I define free time as the realm and ability when I can do what I want within that duration. But how rarely I get to do what I want when I want!!!

I turn to three major creativity outlets when I have free time: music, art, and writing.

  • Music I play the piano and compose music (see Music Portal tab)
  • Art: I draw/sketch, oil or acrylic medium painting when I feel active (it’s a lot of work to get the materials together…), and I’ve recently gotten into digital painting through FireAlpaca (see My Artwork category).
  • Writing: I write short stories, poems, and outline longer novels still in my head.

These are hobbies I’ve been engaged in for YEARS. Piano since I was 8 years old, art and writing almost as long. They were my salvation in the crazy seclusion of college -I was the nerd who constantly studied and was awkward at making friends, so much of my novels were created during that time. Stacks of sketch pads and notebooks with emotions, dreams, anger, life, reconciliation.

Hundreds of typed pages.

When there are three primary passions competing for an outlet, I often struggle to determine which I will channel my passion into for that moment. If I only have an hour, should I write, draw, or create music?

It’s hard to choose. Sometimes I think it’s a music day, buuuut it turns out it was really a writing day. First world problems…

Passive fun activities

In my free time, the nerd in me also enjoys engagement in passive fun activities, such as:

  • Watching TV shows/movies 

My sibling went to college in film and animation and infected me with a love for the technical aspects of movies/films. Which is why I will occasionally scream excitement at camera angles, color palettes, CGI techniques, acting methods, voice acting emoting, and story-boarding throughout the duration of a film.

And, yes, I hold constant dialogue at my TV.

I yell at stupid decisions characters make, I predict what  will happen – sadly, writing has become rather predictable to me-, will make snarky comments back at characters, and otherwise spend a considerable balance of my daily words on this activity.

It’s very cathartic.

Genres of preference – thrillers, action, psychological, comic based, revenge.

Fav Actors: Liam Neeson, Vin Diesel, Jake Gyllenhaal, Morgan Freeman, Samuel Jackson, Ryan Gosling, James Spader, Kevin Spacey, Christopher Walken, Ryan Renolds, Sylvester Stallone and Christopher Bale, to name a few off the top of my head (in no particular order).

  • Balancing my budget in a spreadsheet
  • Calculating monthly income/expenses

So, I went to college for economics, finance, and statistics. I love numbers just as much as I love words, and all those classes had us spending a considerable amount of time in Microsoft excel.

My budget spreadsheet is beautiful. I’m a colorful person, so my headers are colored -green for revenue, red for expenses, and white for balance.

Budget pic
PLEASE NOTE ALL AMOUNTS ARE FICTITIOUS!!! This is only a sample, lol, I wish I got paid this much. I’d retire!! The excel formulas are not shown, but are available upon request. 🙂

Isn’t it awesome? Makes me want to go budget again, but I need to get paid first…

Basic rules of thumb when I budget:

  1. Pay yourself first – 5% of earnings or more if possible to “rainy day savings”, retirement, emergency funds, etc.
  2. Pay monthly expenses – rent, utilities, loans, car payments, card payments, etc.
  3. Pay extra for loans on principal (beyond standard monthly payments)
  4. Put towards other accounts – i.e. saving up for a BMW, a dream vacation, a new iWatch.
  5. Pull out some spending money
  6. Any remainder goes into emergency funds

Es so sim-puuuullll!

  • BRIEFLY say hi on Facebook

Seriously, if it weren’t for distance between all my compatriots, I’d get rid of my Facebook account. On the upside, I can share hilarious pictures and posts with my friends.

  • Listen to music – I like all genres except country.

I don’t always know/understand/care about what the genre is called, I just care about what it sounds like. I even get movie soundtracks -amazing stuff!

When does this happen? On lazy weekends, whenever the gods gift me with an hour or two squeezed in between tasks.

I’m always busy, on or off the blog. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I can’t always fall asleep -damn insomnia- so much of this is done while waiting for Morpheus to arrive, lazy bugga!!

And thus, we shut the page on a day in the life of my free time.