I Realize You Weren’t There After All

Because of the orange, I can stay.

I can feel myself unfolding from the tightened, origami confinement of the past. In a way, I’ve never felt this free, this controlled, so much myself. Exploding into color, rejecting the black and gray for purples, oranges, reds, blues, greens; the colors of the life of a rainbow.

I smile and dance, the air is anticipation and I’m captive to my burgeoning joy. Never let me go…

The pieces are finally coming together, I feel them click into place, like a puzzle of one thousand pieces, a glass masterpiece, shattered, only to re-converge into the most tear-inducing stained glass artwork.

It’s been five years.

Five years since standing on the bridge at the rushing water of the waterfall, the sign warning of danger and a gentle nudge to “Dial ###-####” if I was feeling the sweet caress of death in my shadow. She was closer than a lover, her dry fingers massaging my skull, fitting into my ears as she whispered to me of the eternal beyond.

One moment then nothing.

Five years since turning away, again, and again, and again. The pain of turning away like parting from one’s beloved, sour-tinged panic and nutmeg hope an odd drink to pass my lips.

Away from my eyes…

Five years of unspeakable pain, of cruel words and hidden veins of deception. Of being forced to see and hear and bear witness to a most foul subset of humanity, the envious and the proud.

The rocks venomously tossed into my soul, shattering the clear prism above to ripple the waters below and sink and thud at the bottom, stoning my heart into bloody pulp, searing words into my cerebral matter like a burning brand to claim my very soul and chain it to a special, unique hell of human design.

And that was the past.

2018 I awoke and swore I would not be a victim. That the chains would not hold me, that those words would not break me. That I would stand on my own two shaking feet and know that I am whole, that I am strong, that I am better than the shit.

We are in, but not of…

And it is now, here, after much work, that I can finally see a the corner turn, the bend of the arch, the bow of the rain in the sky, casting magic and lighting a way forward.

Shedding this skin, I flutter to life. And no prince was near to kiss these lips, so I licked them myself. Hauled myself out of that glass coffin and put on my stomping bitching shoes, with the heels and the studs, and strutted through the forest, weapon in hand, to slay my own fucking dragon.

I knew deep down, that I had to stand on my own. Mind over matter. Mind over desire. Mind over all.

A sacred blood oath, to be no one’s victim. A Valkyrie can kick ass all on her own. I just needed to fly with my own wings this time.

The fire of autumn ignites my flames, the red beckons to me and I embrace his hold, a mastery all my own. Sweeping up the forgotten mantle, I am my own master and my dominion remains.

Thanks to you, I have reached the threshold.

And stepped beyond.

Nothing can hold me. You failed to stop me. I am transcended.

It’s over.

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Absolute Zero

For so long, days and nights have just been marking time on a clock. Scratching marks on the wall, like a prisoner awaiting release despite the fact that the sentence is life.

Waking up to the sun, the moon, the stars -the half-hearted belief that I would awake when I closed my eyes and the half-empty doubt that I would not. Trying to scrape up the need to care about that -what if I die tonight? What if I don’t wake up? Does it even matter?

Shuffling along, the wraith in my own life, the gray of the dawn succumbing to the gloom of noon, then sinking into the darkness of night. An endless repeat, a ceaseless loop, where everything and everyone changed and grew and blossomed and peaked then died. Continue reading Absolute Zero

Best Friends Forever, Enemies for Life

Friendship means a lot to me. It’s hand over heart, where I can feel your heartbeat and you can touch mine. Back to the wall, you’d be by my side, arm in arm prancing down the street.

The concept of friendship has diverged into two parts – the reality and the ideal.

The ideal is what I prefer. Friends are the people who stand by you when the world destroys your dreams. Friends give late night hugs, talk you off the ledge, pick you up when others were all too eager to shove you down. Friends keep your secrets, and don’t mock your fears no matter how impractical. Friends love you no matter what, they support you even when family break you. They march with you for your causes, even if they aren’t necessarily their own. They love you unconditionally, or as close to it as one can be.

Continue reading Best Friends Forever, Enemies for Life