I Realize You Weren’t There After All

Because of the orange, I can stay.

I can feel myself unfolding from the tightened, origami confinement of the past. In a way, I’ve never felt this free, this controlled, so much myself. Exploding into color, rejecting the black and gray for purples, oranges, reds, blues, greens; the colors of the life of a rainbow.

I smile and dance, the air is anticipation and I’m captive to my burgeoning joy. Never let me go…

The pieces are finally coming together, I feel them click into place, like a puzzle of one thousand pieces, a glass masterpiece, shattered, only to re-converge into the most tear-inducing stained glass artwork.

It’s been five years.

Five years since standing on the bridge at the rushing water of the waterfall, the sign warning of danger and a gentle nudge to “Dial ###-####” if I was feeling the sweet caress of death in my shadow. She was closer than a lover, her dry fingers massaging my skull, fitting into my ears as she whispered to me of the eternal beyond.

One moment then nothing.

Five years since turning away, again, and again, and again. The pain of turning away like parting from one’s beloved, sour-tinged panic and nutmeg hope an odd drink to pass my lips.

Away from my eyes…

Five years of unspeakable pain, of cruel words and hidden veins of deception. Of being forced to see and hear and bear witness to a most foul subset of humanity, the envious and the proud.

The rocks venomously tossed into my soul, shattering the clear prism above to ripple the waters below and sink and thud at the bottom, stoning my heart into bloody pulp, searing words into my cerebral matter like a burning brand to claim my very soul and chain it to a special, unique hell of human design.

And that was the past.

2018 I awoke and swore I would not be a victim. That the chains would not hold me, that those words would not break me. That I would stand on my own two shaking feet and know that I am whole, that I am strong, that I am better than the shit.

We are in, but not of…

And it is now, here, after much work, that I can finally see a the corner turn, the bend of the arch, the bow of the rain in the sky, casting magic and lighting a way forward.

Shedding this skin, I flutter to life. And no prince was near to kiss these lips, so I licked them myself. Hauled myself out of that glass coffin and put on my stomping bitching shoes, with the heels and the studs, and strutted through the forest, weapon in hand, to slay my own fucking dragon.

I knew deep down, that I had to stand on my own. Mind over matter. Mind over desire. Mind over all.

A sacred blood oath, to be no one’s victim. A Valkyrie can kick ass all on her own. I just needed to fly with my own wings this time.

The fire of autumn ignites my flames, the red beckons to me and I embrace his hold, a mastery all my own. Sweeping up the forgotten mantle, I am my own master and my dominion remains.

Thanks to you, I have reached the threshold.

And stepped beyond.

Nothing can hold me. You failed to stop me. I am transcended.

It’s over.

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Coffee 21: I have not truly lived until now

For so long, days and nights have just been marking time on a clock. Scratching marks on the wall, like a prisoner awaiting release despite the fact that the sentence is life.

Waking up to the sun, the moon, the stars -the half-hearted belief that I would awake when I closed my eyes and the half-empty doubt that I would not. Trying to scrape up the need to care about that -what if I die tonight? What if I don’t wake up? Does it even matter?


The sun was hot, beating down on the almost parched land. I slipped into the shadow of a tree, awaiting the signal. I wasn’t alone. We were all waiting.

Continue reading Coffee 21: I have not truly lived until now

201Blogging #1: 3 Blogging Goals

goals
source: http://teamgantt.com

Practicing succinctness.

3 Goals for Blogging:

  1. Improve my writing style/story writing techniques – succinctness
  2. Increase interaction with blogging community and followers.
  3. Let the chains off – incorporate all my writing styles, even the dark ones.

This blog has been great for rediscovering my vocalization, and giving space to get all the thoughts, rants, stories, opinions OUT.

Now to channel this into development of my writing style. About time I give myself permission to be completely honest and open.

…Oh boy, here we go!

Ready for the ride?

 

 Blogging 201"Branding & Growth": Day 1 - 3 goals

Writing #20: Everything the Light Touches

I’ve really enjoyed collaborating in the Writing 101 course. More than I could plot in words, but I’m gonna try anyway.

Imagine moving into a cave. Everyone keeps saying how wonderful it is, but when you arrive, it’s dark and cold and dank. At first, you stumble around l, trying to move in. Then as time passes you get more frustrated trying to establish a life in such “squalid conditions”.

Continue reading Writing #20: Everything the Light Touches