Live Life Now*

*Written while listening to ScHoolboy Q’s song “Studio”. If you haven’t heard it, the beat is wicked.

So… the month has been mad. I managed to get older, hit an anniversary, earned some trust, lost a pint of tears, got sick for the first time in several years and learned a little something about accuracy.

I gave a gift to myself and documented -15 lbs towards my goal. And while weight is something I’m not interested in discussing here, I will clarify and say that it is for the focus of being healthy and maximizing my lifespan, not for stupid propaganda of what “beautiful” looks like. And I’m doing it right by building new habits, going to the gym willingly -Shocker!- and imbibing more water.

Cuz I look hot, and I know it. I doubled down on what makes me feel good and I don’t worry anymore about feminine or masculine -it’s really about me, not about society’s expectations or what-not. I just do what makes me happy, and what makes me look good.

So, yeah, I went shopping this holiday season. Black Friday week I dropped some cash on clothes, some delicious winter boots with wedges and I strut those bitches down the sidewalk and I know I look fly. The clothes, the lipstick, the hair, it all comes together. I am put together.

Sometimes you can’t see yourself right away, and that’s okay. See yourself through the eyes of love, then you will truly see yourself.

You gotta build yourself by building yourself.

And I miss dancing. Hitting the dance floor with the lights and the DJ pumping bass and beat, the rhythm and instruction/invitation to move to the music. Let the feet catch the rhythm, let the arms capture the melody, and let the waist and hips sway in support of the accompaniment. Shoulders, arms, waist, knees, neck, feet, hands, each have their way to go. And unless synchronized, no to dancers dance the exact same way.

This moment and movement, embodying the music in a physical way, nonsexual, and completely uninhibited -at least for me. Time to go wild, and just emote without words, just with expression and movement. Beautiful and divine worship. I miss that sacred altar…

Soon… and is it a good idea to go alone? …Don’t think so…

But the other piece is that you can’t wait forever to do what you want or love. Because then you’ll be waiting forever.

While it is advisable to do things together, with others, it is still important to not let excuses hold you back. Live. Your. Life. Today.

Don’t wait for that right person. Sometimes you meet that right person by going out and doing it, whatever it is. Sometimes you don’t. The point is, live your best life now and don’t let anything hold you back.

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What is this (over thought) Emotion?

When is a crush a crush? When is a crush not a crush.

Why think so deeply?

Just go for it.

Continue reading What is this (over thought) Emotion?

A Slap, a Mirror, a Resolution

“Live responsibly”

This morning was a slap to the face. In serious review of the decisions leading to today, I stopped to really ponder the direction I decided to go.

Why I did I think in that moment that my decision was the right one? The justification being mere self-indulgence and complete recklessness. And sometimes, it’s not enough to know that your decisions didn’t hurt other people. Sometimes, it’s about how you hurt yourself.

Waking up this morning wasn’t a proud moment. The sour taste of regret, the cloying scent of failure permeating my thoughts as I stared in the mirror.

Is this really what I want to be doing? Why did I think it was worth it?

I don’t know if I’ve ever been disgusted by what I’ve done -mostly because I try to do the right thing. But this morning, I felt disgusting.

A shower helped.

Brushing teeth. Cleaning messes of yesterday. Eating. Trying to keep food down.

Lots of sleep.

Watching TV.

Resting and reflecting.

Being disappointed in myself…I never want to feel that again. If I can’t be proud of who I am and what I do, then what is the point? No, better to be straight-laced and boring than to look the mirror and be revolted by what I see.

It’s time to take charge and be an adult. Make better decisions. Because I’ve learned that listening to the voice that says it doesn’t matter, is dangerous. When that voice whispers to take that step in the wrong direction, I can’t listen. Life is too short to waste it doing stupid things, and making bad decisions.

This idiot is growing up.