Jesus Was Out

I went to church looking for Jesus
But Judas greeted me at the door
And smiled with soft spoken words
Kisses on the cheek and handshakes of greeting.

I entered the sanctuary looking for Jesus,
But Judas sat next to me and welcomed me
With song and spoken words
While asking about my membership.

They said listen to the sermon to hear Jesus,
But Judas was veneered at the pulpit
Speaking words of condemnation and ignorance
Rattle the collection plate, drum up the tithe.

They said to speak aloud and talk to Jesus
But Judas was listening and weaving deception
Whispering words of guilt and self-deprecation
Thirty-nine lashes, thirty missing pieces.

Funny, that Jesus never appeared
But Judas showed up to hand out ropes
When they nominated my lynching
And cast stones at my soul.

Like all realities, the books are best
Mercy and love waxing eloquent on less than half the pages
Sorely lacking in stark application
A disproportionate outcome in action.

They said you have a savior in Jesus
But it was Judas knocking on my door
To point out my follies and hem me with hell
The terrified are the easiest to con.

Judas hugged and embraced me
Wondered when I’d return
But the game was exposed
When he hungrily eyed my purse.

How difficult it is to find salvation
And appease one’s immortal soul
When every church, mosque, synagogue, and holy place
Hordes a Judas within its walls.

I don’t trust anyone with matters of eternal life
If they insist on holding my coin hostage
For with finances, guilt, and atonement
Money tends to be the superior currency.

They sent me to church to find Jesus,
But met Judas at the front door
Where he was shaking hands and kissing cheeks
And greeting with fervor.

I went to meetings, looking for Jesus
But found Judas at the head
Guiding the ministry in one hand
And pocketing funds with the other.

I went to the pastor’s office looking for Jesus
And found Judas on his hands and knees
Prying open the safe, frothing with rage
When faced with the Bibles within.

I went to the congregation to look for Jesus
But Judas was waiting with empty hands
An oily smile and a sharp eye
To mark my remaining coins.

And when the doors shut and the services ended
When the fellowship had long expired
I sat on the steps and pondered this curiosity-
For “Jesus” had never appeared.

Zis Regret: Her Final Valentine

Ze wishes to go back in time
And never meet her
Knowing now, the end
Ze wished it had never even begun.

But youth is foolish
The summer air fills with potential
A world of happiness trapped
In her smile.

Like any smile, hers hides a world of pain
Zis laugh smothers discontent
But both find pleasure in the moment
Of meeting.

If only ze
Had stuck to zis instincts
Ze could have avoided
So much anguish.

They duct taped a world
And made it their own
Exacerbating each other
Painful hindsight.

Ze wonders if ze had
Been too vulnerable
Perhaps, ze should not have been so honest
Should have kept zis heart locked away.

Because she hurt zim so much more
Than all the others who’d gone before
Not just because of timing
But because ze had trusted her.

Ze wanted to be vulnerable
With her, test the waters
After prior hurts, ze
Let her in.

Ze can’t do this anymore
Can’t deal with friends who hurt
And carve up zis soul
Grafitti zis skin with scars.

Ze has no more tolerance
The pain drowns zim
Ze’d rather erase all their days
Never meet her again.

Ze’d rather she just tell him straight
That she hates zim, wants nothing to do with zim
That she’d explain why
She hurt zim this way.

Ze doesn’t need to be hurt again
Ze hurts zimself enough
Others have hurt zim before
She doesn’t need to hurt zim again.

Why did she pretend to love zim?
Ze’d rather stay alone
Than be tricked into thinking that someone
Wanted to be zis friend.

And what did ze ever do to her?
To make her turn against zim
Ze doesn’t know, and perhaps it’s
Better that way.

But ze’s done writing messages
To never hear reply
Ze’s done wondering what ze did
To be driven into exile.

Ze doesn’t want to hear her name
Never again will ze
Even worry for a moment that she’s okay
Because ze needs to be selfish, else ze will die.

And, yes, perhaps it has nothing to do with zim
The silence could be purely coincidental
But when she ghosted zim from her life
It went beyond apathy to pure indifference.

And ze’s tired of feeling that pain
Tired of bleeding out on the balcony
Waiting for her to find zim worthy
To reenter her good graces.

What had ze done?
What had ze done to result in this?
All ze knows is that the rift isn’t zis
And that ze needs to let go – once and for all.

And so, ze stumbles away
Binding wounds that bleed to this day
Someday, ze will regain zis trust
But definitely not today.

Perhaps ze will finally
Find someone who actually cares
Will love zim, and will not
Cut zim up again.

But the world is meant to hurt
Ze accepts that ze will always be carved
By those who pretend to love
Hopefully next time, ze will see it coming.

Blinded by love
Ze never saw her
Blade sinking into
Zis heart.

Archways

This allegory
Is a heterosexual story
But can be applied
To any relationship in mind.

He felt lust
A status, not trust
Her thighs were the gateway
All he knew was hurry

She wanted a toy
Disguised within a ploy
Of attraction and need
She must sample and feed.

He wanted to break the rules
Be the bad one at schools
Lure the ripe peaches
With honeyed tempting speeches.

She wanted to be grown
Leaving the parents at home
Hopped that crotch rocket
To hell, or the next sunset.

He needed to show and put out
A big boy now, he shouts
Bitch I’m a man
This is all my master plan.

She needed to feel whole
Add more boys to her role
And she passed right through them
Like a pig trampling gems

He needed tactile notches
To feel clever like foxes
Because he doesn’t know himself
He’ll grab any trophy from the shelf

She lines up to the left
And struts right through his heft
He’s just another passage
Rights of a greedy savage

He struts to the right
And thrusts through her light
She’s just another cave
Selfishly, a method to self-save

And so, they march through each other
Blindly mislabeling themselves a lover
They dynamite past with bludgeoning force
Trample each other like the stampeding horse.

Then wonder at the wreckage they left behind
Gaping at wounds inflicted in kind
Never realizing that their fancies of love
A mere battlefield, both guilty of the fatal shove.

He was never the goal point
She was never the venture joint
Just doors standing in the way
A passage to pass the day.

An archway crumbles without a keystone
Relationships wither without water sown
A sanctuary of entitlement
Is no home of enlightenment.

Know thyself then find a lover?
Just use them to hide and cover!
They don’t know any better anyway
Love drunk works the same every day

 

Photo Credit: Massa

Don’t Say A Word

The water rises, the levees go down
Houses disappear without a sound
A waving hand sinks beneath the waves–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

A bullied child runs home in tears
To a home where none will hear his fears
The rope swings in the rafters–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

An angry mob screams retribution and hate
Destroying another innocent’s fate
Blood stains the dusty streets–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

Vitriol and fury runs down the page
Fuck you!!! cries the internet sage
A nation drowns beneath the weight–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

A church shout their hallelujahs
A congregation filled with barracudas
Hypocrisy vibrant on every face–
Shh… don’t say anything.

A holy man steals a precious soul
A priest shatters what should be whole
Lust, greed, and envy run amuck–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Whip the populous into a froth
Direct the orchestra as the conductor taught
Distract perspective and reality–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Another bullet loads into a gun
Another world comes undone
A deluded last stand–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Easily amused, so easily confused
Dance along to this terrible ruse
As another thousand succumb to the sword–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

And while most still cling to thoughts of a messiah
Still more seize justification for warfare and pariah
Another fool succumbs to manipulation–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Even children are polluted
Their innocence convoluted
Worse still, in wars they are recruited–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

If a tree falls, no one will here it
Not unless it cuts out the Ethernet
Let’s get real, nobody cares–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Nothing more than eminent destruction
Apocalypse remains the final construction
Last one standing gains all the wealth–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Tick tock, time to expire
Just wait until it all catches fire
By the way, the earth was never not burning–
Shh… your words don’t mean a thing.
So don’t tell anyone.

While There is Life, There are… Inconveniences

Throughout my formative years, being the smart one meant that no one would mess with me -that much. They’d be more likely to ask for my help than bully me -I guess you could say I bartered my brain to avoid all that.

But once I graduated and started working, I began to understand how different that environment was versus the educational environment. In school, the goal is to get good grades, which depend on you (mostly) and sometimes a team. In work, the goal is to complete tasks and projects, which depend on yourself, your team and your supervisor.

The first year was great, I was knocking out my work at a wicked pace. But I later realized that this only inspired insecurity and jealousies that quickly manifested in numerous ways -which I will not discuss here.

Needless to say, the situation rapidly tanked. To summarize, it was like living in enemy territory while walking through a minefield every day: everything is a trap, everyone is against you, and everywhere is unsafe. You either crumble under the pressure, or you don’t. And then you’d also have to decide how you will behave under those circumstances.

On the other hand, you really get to see the type of person you really are.

Granted, in the large scale of things, this experience was nothing; but, in the myopia of my life, it was rather significant. Stress, anger, and navigating office politics were a knife’s edge tightrope where balancing expectations came second to managing oneself and choosing your battles -you always have to stay true to yourself while maintaining dignity, self-advocation, and grace under fire. After exiting the crucible, I realized that I had passed through the stages of:

  1. Denial – “Surely this isn’t happening.”
  2. Anger – “How dare this fucking happen to me!”
  3. Acceptance – “Fine, this is happening then?”
  4. Cynicism – “Of course this is happening, what did I expect?”
  5. Pity – “I find it utterly pathetic that you need this to happen.”

I’ll tell you this, I have grown a great deal both in mental fortitude and in standing up for myself while remaining respectful and supportive regardless of the situation.

The following quotes stuck with me throughout this time.

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We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust the sails (1).png

In the word revenge, hides the word never. REVENGE | EGNEVER.

I’m not interested in revenge but the anger remains a fizzling ember of thought which, thankfully, fades day by day.

I calmly breathe away moments of vengeful thoughts by placing these perspectives in place.

1) Time has passed, let it go.
2) It’s not worth the hassle.
3) They will destroy themselves -all by themselves- with no need of assistance from you.

Revenge can be a trap, a whirlpool of toxic thoughts and anger. But revenge should not be used for petty slights, no matter how badly you or I might want to punish the offender(s). It is a costly business that will often take away more from the avenger than the offender.

And so I close this chapter of my life, snuff out the anger, take cleansing breaths and continue to live a fulfilling life. Because this is ultimately the greatest revenge.

“I am a stone, unaffected
Rain hell down onto me
I am a stone, unaffected
Your fool I will not be.”

~I Am A Stone by Demon Hunter

Smokey Eyes

She spoke with the scent of fire
A fine spectacle of brimstone and fury
Like a dragon of flame, the rippling tide
Of liquid gold both repels and attracts;
She is still so lovely, I adore her regardless
I scraped the dirt from my knees.

I listened to the sentences and dissected the words
But all my concentration was snagged
On the smoke-tinged solitude
And the lingering sadness.

In all those moments
When we both speak
But cannot hear or listen or resonate
Like ships in the night slipping from shore
The smoke signals fade away
We hit the icebergs; we’re going down

Ah, I shudder in the flame of her incantation
Somehow even more furious
Somehow more attractive
Even if it was just a moment of anger infused lust

They warned she’d only bring me sorrow
But I store my tears for tomorrow.
Bathed in the flame of her desire
How can I stay away?
Beguiling kohl-rimmed eyes
Dripping gray tears -wet the palate

And when the flames cool and the fire dies
The volcano crisped to ash
She handed me divorce papers
Charcoal and third-degree burns

She spoke with the scent of fire
A fine spectacle of brimstone and fury
Like a dragon of flame, the rippling tide
Of liquid gold, both bevels and attracts.

I Believe when you Lie

Always is a word
That never should be spoken
By your lips.

Forever is vague
A concept foreign to your
Unfaithfulness.

How do we
Keep these strings together
That bind us?

I brought the yarn
But you came armed
With your scissors.

Cutting holes
In our tapestry and hopeful
Aspirations.

Viciously slicing
My frail principles into broken strands
Of spider’s thread.

I force this shunt
Into my chest to release the pressure
Of this pain.

Like junkies at the intersection
We wait desperately for the light to turn
Green again.

Predators prey

It wasn’t even dark
Laughter in the sky
And the blazing sunshine made it all too real.

The birds sang
And the full moon hung low in the sky
A pale shadow visiting from the night

He remembered asking about the man on the moon
And whether he would tan
In the glow of day.

Next door, children were laughing and playing
A shriek of delight
And a call for snacks and maybe candy!

The dust tickles his nose
He needs to scratch it so badly
But his arms are not his own

His arms are not his own
He has completely lost control
And innocence shreds like forgotten gift wrappings

Pain slices through the haze
He has forgotten his place
And now it all comes trickling back with accompanying horror

Screams and tears are silenced
Cotton absorbs more than moisture
Soaking up despair and shame and sharp screaming edges of revolted denial-

The shuddering of his frame
The inexplicable disconcerting break from freedom
Was it just moments ago he’d been clean?

Just moments ago, he’d  so easily given trust
To a warm smile hiding filthy lust
Led away from the direct protection of the sun.

He desperately wants to be the moon
Cold and frozen and so far away
No one could touch him there-

Water rushes in torrents from the faucet
He scrubs and scrubs but his body remains rife with soiled fingerprints
Polluted skin and dripping filth -how can he reach?
-How can he even bear to touch?
-How could he ever be clean?
-Would he ever be clean again?

Fury and agony
Dips his head into water
Thrashing and screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
At the rhythmic echo of foul penetration
The once precious mural is gone forever
And only shattered mirrors remain.

Disillusioned and dull, he finds himself rocking
Keening from within the bundle of cloth
How he would welcome the monsters beneath his bed
Welcome with open arms the terror of imagination
Rather than continue to remember the last hour
Why couldn’t it all have ended?

Abandoned.
Forsaken.
He knows what is right
He knows who should pay
But his voice was silenced
Since that day.

Boys aren’t victims
They don’t get touched
Or violated, that is a woman’s
Burden. It simply isn’t done.
It isn’t an action that could ever occur
Beneath the shining sun.

And so, the heavy mantle
Of injustice crushed his soul
Never again be held, never again to receive comfort
In loving arms, never again to feel
Safe and innocent
The predator has left his marks imprinted on his bones.

Ownership, the body is another object
The mind is another victim
Unkind and unflinching, it refreshes the past
Anew in every nightmare
How long shall he pray?
How long till he can escape?

He awakes on the platform
The rattle of the train
A desperate engine of velocity and locomotion
Steeling himself,
He shuts his eyes.
And steps into nothing.

Sapiosexual

I love your mind
The thoughts flitting from your lips to my ears
A most fascinating mechanism-
The logic processing-
Enthralled by the calculations
The outcome, astronomical.

Shinier than any diamond
More precious than any luxury
The wit as sharp as a blade
The humor snapping like a whip
Leaps of vulgarity in innocent consequence
Each word a gold doubloon.

They ask me if I’m an ass man
Ass man? Ask man,
Are you not a breast man?
Thigh man? Hips, legs and curves man?
Wingman?
Nah, man.

Challenge and debate
Philosophy not pontificate
Fantasy and desire
I can light your world on fire
Let me make love to your brain
Leave behind the sex, if it’s all the same…

 

 

Listings via Craig

She says she’s looking for companionship,
Quite possibly a friend;
She says she wants to cuddle
And maybe, hold hands.

She says she’s looking for somebody,
That just might be the one.
She says, she’s open for conversation,
But not for sordid fun.

She knows what she’s looking for,
She knows just what to get;
Ain’t looking for a bummer,
Just trains that stay on track.

She has a slew of hobbies,
That tick off all the boxes;
She has a string of commands,
There ain’t no compromise -yet.

She isn’t very lonely,
But she sure could use a hand;
She’s looking for somebody,
Who knows just what to get.

She says she wants to take her time
And make this mission work;
She says she’s looking for relationships
Not just someone to hurt.

She says she’s willing to take the time
Give her own fair chance;
She’ll measure twice and cut once
Don’t count the steps, just dance.

She whispers to weakness
Beguiles the unbeloved;
She tempts the sullen bride
To leave her veil uncovered.

She beckons to the broader world
With open unlost reveal;
Does she mean to be this open
And expose all that she feels?

She spoke the words that rattled cages
Lit hope in darkened mists;
Remembering just in time
That this is just a written list.

Whether she is real or not
I know my limitations
Imagined or realistic
My confidence is mere imitations.

Hampered by my own demise
How could I extend candidacy?
A life going nowhere, a body abhorred
This dream is naught but idiocy.

So close the window, escape her words
And shake loose the thoughts of desire;
Tell Craig to leave us be
Lest she learns that we are liars.

Real or not, rattled in my cage
For once I wondered whether
I could be less detestable;
If only I could lose my tethers…