Among yet not With People

I pick up on that “among people” even if I am not “with people” vibe too, especially when I’m at Barnes & Nobles curled up with a comic or book or just writing in the knock-off Starbucks cafe section, watching people.

Some people are obviously on a date, others are doing homework in group study. Some are just chilling by themselves. In such an environment, one can just be, without being overwhelmed by maintaining conversation or putting up a front with someone else. In such moments, we are all aware of each other and accepting through our silence and lack of verbal interaction -aside from asking to share the power outlet or to watch someone’s stuff for them on a quick bathroom break.

The hum of dialogue is a soft and melodic bass, the excited voices of children a punctuation and the steadfast and plodding steps of the grandparents a slow, reliable rhythm anchoring the symphony as the coffee pot gurgles its steamy melody.

In the fall, the pumpkin spice latte accents the air, flitting around the sent of coffee and baked goods. The barista chuckles with her coworker as they argue the merits of one band’s lead singer over another. A familiar banter I hope to someday emulate with someone, someday, somewhere…

A sense of hopelessness washes over me, I turn back to the straightforward world of heroes, misunderstood and yet never alone, even when the knife of betrayal plunges into their soul over and over, they are never alone.

A sidekick, a partner, a lover, a brother, a friend, a colleague, an ally, enemy-of-my-enemy-

There is always someone…

I pull my hoodie around me, burrowing deeper into the slightly uncomfortable wooden chair perched in the window. Cars go by, there is something so hypnotic about the zoom of the vehicles from one side of the window to the other.

-Zip.

-Zap

-Zop.

We played the zip-zap-zop game in drama class, to prompt swift reaction time and to practice reacting off each others’ “energy” I guess. It was a rapid game, accompanied with a clap and slide of one palm over the other in the direction of someone else who caught the “Zip” and sent off a “Zap” to another who received and slided a “Zop” on to someone else.

Hesitate or delay, and you’re out of the game.

“Zip”     “Zap  “Zop”

“-Zip!” “-Zap!” “-Zop!”

Zip

Zap

Zop

Catch a turn of life, quickly return it to someone, somewhere else. Quickly move on before you sink and become bogged down by the intensity of the here and now.

Zip

Zap

Don’t fail to move along-

“-Zop”

Winner is all alone.

The king at the pinnacle of his throne desired a queen to sit with him. So he sent his brave knight to search the land for a woman worthy to become his queen. He waited for 30 days and 30 nights, and on the morning of the 31st day, word is brought that a queen of most noble carriage and unmatched beauty is on her way, accompanied by the king’s most courageous and loyal knight, to meet and wed the king.

How his heart burst to hear the news! His majesty could hardly contain himself. What to wear? What to do? How should he prepare to meet his most beloved queen?

The king was besides himself with joy. He commanded that the entire palace be cleaned from top to bottom, that the finest foods in the kingdom be brought and the most lauded chefs cook a banquet to honor his queen on their wedding day. All the nobles of the land were summoned to the wedding, and all the common folk brought gifts and homage to the palace, in honor of his queen.

When finally the queen-to-be arrives, the king raced forward to greet her. He noticed her delicate hands and melodic voice, her laughter and sparkling eyes. In all her raven haired beauty, none else in the kingdom could match her in beauty.

If he wasn’t in love before, his majesty was smitten by the mere sight of her.

Three days later, the wedding bells rung, and the King married his lawfully wedded Queen. The king was delighted, he achieved the pinnacle, and had at his side, the most divine of all feminine creatures. What more could he ask for?

…Loyalty

…Faithfulness

Devotion…

A month later, the king found himself in the smoldering ashes of his ambition. His most loyal knight, whom he had trusted above all others, held his blade to the King’s throat.

His queen stood by the knight’s side, her delicate hands clasped over her belly, almost 3 months pregnant.

Forced away from his kingdom, with neither queen nor support, the King of one turned to the forest with a broken heart. His army stolen, his love betrayed, he had nothing left but a hollow crown and empty arms.

Show… don’t tell…

Right.

Sometimes less is more.


Photo Source

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The Silence Burns

How much I’ve trapped within these eyes? Like a mute I struggle to place the words to my lips, and pen to paper.

How do I talk about what happened -What is happening? Is it something I should just lock away?

How do I describe what that time did to me, how I am still struggling to collect the glass shards shredding my fingertips burnt with glue holding this fractured window in place? How do I speak of those moments that I want to forget and yet cannot erase.

This mute agony excavating my veins. Screams in my pores, and yet all is placid and still above while I drown and thrash and convulse in the grasp of a predator from yesterday who still visits me. Easing through my gates, slipping past the bars to taunt me and haunt me and laugh at who I am now.

It’s like you’re saying you’ve won.

But it isn’t you who torments me. It’s my emotion memory. How I felt, not what you did. Echoes of imprinted terror and anger, pain and fire sing through taunt frayed nerve endings.

I shake with rage, shudder in anguish, and wrap this cashmere shawl around me and tell myself it is over. But my mind just doesn’t believe, my body remains on edge, it lives in me and I in it.

We are in recovery but still live the trauma.

And we go on, in silence.

I. Won’t. Fall. Quietly. Into. The. Dark.

Blindly into the night- Fists to the sky, I am free and speech is my birthright… I rise- I move and have feeling- These scars remind me that I am a champion- A survivor- No one can own me-

I wear the crown. And yet these stitches in my mouth…

I suffer and I don’t know why.

And yet I suffer, again, in silence.


picture source

Mockery of the Angels

You said you were ready
But had no idea what you were in for
You thought the law would protect you
But lacked the imagination of a criminal.

You thought hiding behind laws
And walls would be enough to save you
Yet, those were only needed to enslave you
Words written down to betray you
Nothing more than broken promises
Made by an unfaithful lover.

You thought that speaking a truth
Would drown all the lies
Naive child, don’t you know
Last one standing writes the historic byline?

The dead tell no tales
The martyrs never write their own creeds
The ones burned at the stake
Never write their own obituaries
So what was your plan of succession?
When naught but assassins surrounded you?

Every ally becomes your enemy
Every stone wall projectiles for condemnation
Every brick of evidence open to suggestion
A fabrication of interpretation.

Did you really think that the media would save you
That they would snap up your words and relay accuracy?
Did you forget that these vultures
Only chase the freshest meat?
And yet the same words of love in the morning
Turn to accusation by mid-afternoon, and death penalty by nightfall.

Did you really trust that your comrades
Would guard your back from the wolves?
Did you not suspect that they
Would follow to each their own?

We only canonize the dead
When we are told to, we laud
And praise genius when it is laid to rest
We embrace and celebrate when the tombstone is placed
We remember the soldiers only when they’ve fallen
And the innocents by piling skulls in Valentine’s square.

Are you a child or are you grown?
Are you asleep or have you woke?
Do you really know this world you are in
Or do you cling to your myopic view of the world?

WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
You are left wide open
To a bullet, a bomb, a word of slandar
No one will put their life on the line to save yours
Everyone will fail you
Your superman will die.

This world is rotten
The system dismantled through systemic, systematic chisels
The truth is just a perception
Your indignation, a fanciful dream.

There is NO justice!
Stop chasing a dream
The powerful always win, the money trumps the law
Truth is free, what is freely given is never treasured
Blood stains deeper than innocence
Ignorance is bliss.

So take off those fucking rosy glasses
And see the hell where you live
It’s deep inside your home
It’s buried within your heart.

Pull back the curtain
And see the reality of it all
Your sword is broken, your pen out of ink
All the world has begun to sink
We’re digging to hell, baby, and no one’s gonna stop us
We breed in this filth and LIKE IT.

So stay lily white
And we will decorate your skin with black handprints of soot
And speckles of blood
Weigh the scales of justice with your heart in one, and the sword in the other.

You tell me which one sinks the scale
Does a feather still equalize or does it only
Break the camel’s cigarette spine?
We like to be broken, you won’t sustain us
We’ll take you down, you’ll be one of us
For we are all dead men…

Poem inspired by the manga -Revival Man ch 36-40 -written by Jae Yong Taek, artist Kim Jae-han

Picture source

A Spark

Life is beautiful in pain, with the tinged edges of lofted memories.
Like peanut butter smeared on celary
Or caramel chocolate.

But this isn’t a conversation about food.

It’s been 5 months, so much has changed
Faster than even I could have arranged.
The barometer of time
Can erase much from the lines.
But never the emotion
Of words left unspoken.

I wonder sometimes about the options,
To roads of full of cautions;
In the end, people are themselves;
It’s too much to keep them assigned to their shelves.
They are free
Just like me.

I laugh now more than I cry,
Some things I remember with a sigh;
This path of decisions,
Not everyone wants to listen.

After so long in the dark,
I emerge in the sun, shattered and stark;
And yet I am comfortable with these marks.
It is my history, my grounding story.

The harsh disconnect of being unmoored,
A history shrouded in blank pages, torn;
That lack of anchor both empty and freeing,
Hence a future full of meaning.

I build again and again.
I try not to be discouraged by the end.
Because the close of a chapter begins another.

So I close the pages of yesterday;
My joys, regrets, and past ways.
Because new leaves have unfurled,
This growing tree expands my world.

Joy tinged with sadness,
Peace with gladness;
In a way I had to break,
To put the pieces in this brand new shape.

So in a way I must thank the trauma,
That ended so much drama;
And freed me to be more in line
With this beauty unconfined.

When the forest fire dies
Smoke and ashes flies
Seedlings will grow
And the coals will show

A brave new beginning. . .

 

(Untitled)

I sail in a ship, not of my design
But of my input
Breaking the waters of a world
I cannot understand
Surrounded by the confusion
I cannot solve
Condemned to a deck
I did not build.

This vessel of mine
I cannot fathom
Raising sails I did not weave
Grasping a wind
I did not request
Heading in a direction
Not of my choosing

As though, of all the directions
It would have been this way
The options naught but empty
Unfulfilled destiny,
For all the choices I supposedly earned
Only one was placed before me
The captain’s wheel fixed
On a destination
I never charted

For all the stars in the heavens
I could only find one
Of all the ships in the harbor
Only one would take me
For all my struggles to alter
The path was set

This vessel of mine
Conveys me by unwilling knots
No more can I assertain
The trickery of fate
When all my decisions
Led me to this predetermined sea.

And what of these bones
And mind that betrays me
What construct is this
In my hands and feet
Fingers and throat
To directly challenge my every desire
With impertinent need.

#MeToo (and 3 and 4 and more)

Do not prod the sleeping beast
Do not come greedy to the supposed feast
Do not disrespect
Behaving like vapid derelicts
Disgrace in every salacious action, word, insinuation, and innuendo.

Do not downplay the frequency
Actions of greatest indecency
The behaviors of animals
Worse than even cannibals
Pretending to be superior, elevated beings.

Do not speak your mind and dismiss
The outcomes worse than an unwanted kiss
Do not become outspoken experts
Thinking bodies are pornography adverts
And flesh another warehouse for your base fantasy.

Because when it’s your turn to defend
And avoid the unwanted attentions of the condemned
When you are trapped and held back
With advances you can’t even track
Tell me how “harmless” words really are when they whisper and hold you down.

Did you know that victims outnumber perpetrators in the end?
In this world, if you contribute to this trend
Best watch your actions and your words
Don’t be swept up in those herds
Lest the sheep you torment grow up to be wolves.

Keep your hands to yourself
Direct that ego to the bottom shelf
You are nobody’s gift
Just another unholy rift
To the shredded decency of society.

Welcome to the face of savagery
With no consequences, it continues unwary
Keep sitting on your hands
Critiquing other lands
When your apathy proves you a hypocrite.

And you, the silent ones
Stacking ignorance like retirement funds
Invalidate reality
Deaf and blind to the scenery
Culpable, approving, and complicit in your inaction.

You are even worse somehow
Turning your back, not making a sound
See, hear, and prevent no evil
Yet another useless medieval
Because you know and still do nothing.

Do not defend or excuse
Do not accuse or misuse
Each being is royalty
Extend support and loyalty
Honor each precious being.

What happened to respect?
Did society destroy and neglect
The very fabric of humanity?
In favor of sordid fantasy?
No, it was in favor of evil, screwed priorities, and pure selfishness.

And you, who know so much
Who never encountered an unwanted touch
Keep your stones inside your rock garden
Lest your words return from the mouth of your warden
Since when does existence equal temptation and breathing equate seduction?

Rant and rave
Against absent justice craved
What a mad world we enterprise
Where the innocents are despised
And the predator is congratulated for their crime.

 

picture credit: http://bit.ly/2y1Fsfz

Trophies

Every day there is a new addition
Another blank spot filled
Every day another addition
To the wall of trophies.

There is one of every race
One of every color
There is a category for every gender
Every age
Every rate.

Every day
So many trophies

And the angel looks at the trophies
And weeps.
With abject sorrow and pain
As the shelves only multiply
And continue to fill

A wall drips down
And the tears fall down
The shelves climb high to the sky
A torrent of tragedy.

Did you know that trophies
Are something that serial killers
Take to remind themselves
Of the moments.

Trophies.

So which killer is this?
With shelves to the sky
Filled with trophies of every color
Race,
Age,
Rate?

This killer is silence.

This killer is hate.

This killer is rape.

This killer is ignorance.

This killer Is Evil.

This killer lives among us
In our silence
And our ignorance
And disbelief.

And until the silence is broken
And love returns
And rape is abolished in word and deed
Until ignorance is washed in wisdom and creed
We will continue to be nothing
But trophies.

Standing on the Bridge We Burned

We cannot return to the past
No matter that the regret lasts
Or that penance drips sorrow

They fear us because we are the shadows
Color of the night
We are the offspring of the stars

But we are not a generation of peace
Misplaced rage
Some say -stupidity-  yet just ignorance.

We don’t think, just speak
We don’t ponder, just tweet
Thoughtless mind, empty chatter.


Image source: https://laitma.deviantart.com/art/Iris-Broken-Bridge-532571670

Iced Fire

I have all your secrets
I hold them in the palm of my hand
Will you stay
Or should I leave?
Or should I never plan to succeed?
Perhaps I will find purpose
In the echo of your steps
Leave me again, leave me forever
Ever undone.

I could never find the words
That would make you stay
The devil swore I was meant to be alone
And chuckled when he escorted me back
To my cage
I wasn’t meant to be embraced
These arms harbor brittle branches
Never the warmth of a soul.

I hold these memories close
But like ice and snow, I could never
Manage to get warm
When will my bones freeze
Until I cannot feel
All the wounds that never heal?
The only thing more familiar
Than the taste of my blood
Is the gentle caress of your dying love

Like a candle burning out
Cling to the last vestiges of your presence
Before the altar of the forsaken
Ravens wait to pluck and tear
And savor a heart that was never there
Broken like our vows
Shattered with our distance
Did I stay, or did we both walk?
Did you stay, was I the one who walked away?
Did we both go our separate ways
Who stayed and who was left behind?

Repercussions are naught but concussions
A lurid reminder of the impact of your love
Why warm my flesh when you’d only
Freeze my bones with your absence
Take your flame and fire
Leave me to the graven plaque
Let me crack in the silence
And cave in the solitude
Let this stolid breath
Fade away into nothing
The fog of lust against the chilling chains
Of forbidden kisses

The torment of mentioned lines
Review the whispers for lies
Can it truly be so innocent?
As a farewell? A goodbye?
A never see you again?
Just because -what was the cause?
Why did you leave?
Will knowing salve this cold
Or just jut an icicle
Into my veins.

Intensely turquoise and covered with frost
Surrounding the void holding all I lost
The final flicker dies
Crackling shudder
Sprout frigid wings
I’ll be your snow angel
With you I melt
The ice will keep me whole.

Time Enough

So much to do, so little time
Said the sordid little mayfly
Who in 24 hours must live a life
Of birth, retirement, death, and wife.
So why begrudge a life of 50 plus
Years are still plenty enough
To destroy, build, destroy
A span of time, pleasure and ploy.

Just 24 hours, a whole life flashes past
In only 360 seconds
Of brain death.