There is this ache, a flame, a flash, an expectation for something different, something spectacular. Something not within the four walls of my room.
She spoke of loneliness, and all I could think was –ah, so I’m not alone then. I got that feeling from you. You felt what I feel every day.
I got used to it. You will too.
But that doesn’t underwrite the debt of pain stored, or loneliness gorged. Staying still doesn’t progress make. So I’m stepping out.
I want to write again and take joy in it. Like now, writing these words is something joyful and yet difficult in a way I cannot describe. Like relearning a craft, once so nimble it was like breath, now halting and painful with every keystroke.
If I can think beautiful words, surely then I can write them. Surely!
I found a writing group, I will attend a social and see what is there to be seen. Most likely to be crushed by the talent and subconsciously feel inferior and unworthy. But who fucking cares, I gotta go out into the light and leave Plato behind.
Lonely, lonely Plato, we hardly knew thee…
So there’s that.
A not really funny but amusing story
Since I have few real life people to share this with, I’ll write it here where NO ONE will ever see it. *snickers then weeps a little.
Names have been changed to protect the… what am I, Law & Order?
About two weeks ago, I’m vegging out after work in front of the box that never lets me get a word in, and the phone rings.
I don’t recognize the number, but I hesitate – it could be spam or it could be something.
My gut said answer. Hitting the green button, I greeted the phone.
It wasn’t spam.
Apparently, many years ago now, I’d given someone my phone number. Oh chill, I was in college, everyone was doing it! And there my number had languished until said non-spammer decided to dial just to see if this number was worth keeping or not.
Huh. That’s new.
So NS (not spam) and I got to talking. And talking. And talking.
Turns out we have a lot in common aside from graduating from the same institution. We ran the whole gambit from films to books, to jobs, to dreams, to goals, to beans greens potatoes tomatoes / YOU NAME IT!
3 hours latter, we hung up. I was smiling. Seemed like NS wasn’t such a bad guy.
Oh, did I tell you NS is a guy? Yup.
A few days later he texted me, and I replied. Then a few days after that he called again. Cool.
Except, now there’s a lot of sex jokes.
Which is a little uncomfortable, so I steer the conversation away. Again… and again…
I’m sensing a pattern…
At some point, I explain I’m not interested in sex. NS asks if I’m asexual. I say yes.
Later in the dialogue I disclose that I find genitalia to be strange. And no, I’m not interested in a show and tell.
My phone hasn’t rung since.
Long story short, I don’t feel any which way about it. It is just a sorta interesting experience. I wasn’t devastated, and I don’t think NS was either. We were upfront about what we wanted -and didn’t want- and I’m glad we didn’t waste each other’s time.
Per adventure NS got super busy with life and can’t talk, that’s fine too. We’ll reconnect at some point if that’s the case. And this isn’t meant to be a guilt-trip or anything. Just an observation on my end.
And from my perspective, it’s an amusing story.
Technically I could call him, but I feel like that would be a mixed signal. I’ll leave it alone.
Besides, I got work in 8 hours. Gotta get off this screen.