The crash behind me made me cringe.
It could only mean something had gone horribly wrong. Perhaps I shouldn’t have jumped at that spider with a shoe. Maybe if I had let it live, and been more careful, I wouldn’t have bumped the bookshelf of metal and glass.
Then I wouldn’t be sweeping up the pieces five hours later.
Glass in the carpet, on my bed, on my skin, cuts on my fingertips, glass in my books and glass in my thoughts. I wondered if the tiny, nearly invisible slivers could float through my bloodstream through a cut or something, slicing me up on the inside till I bled out. Or maybe a shard would get in my eye from the bed covers. Or I’d forget to not walk barefoot and store some pain in my soles.
For a moment, I was convinced a piece of glass had somehow landed in my ear. Stay tuned…
Only 1 out of 4 shelves had shattered, no piece was left in tact. The stress of… whatever impact had caused a spiderweb of veins to snake throughout the glass. Mostly cubes of 1/4 inch glass squares throughout the room.
The first few moments were shock. Then cleaning without thinking about it. Collecting all the books that had fallen, the hair products and trinkets scattered on the floor. At first I mindlessly swept and tried not to get shredded.
Then I started looking through the books more closely. I hadn’t read some in several years now. Why was I keeping them? They needed to go.
So a paper bag for the glass and another for the books.
I hadn’t worn cologne in several years, why did I still have 3 bottles of them? More to donate.
Did I even use these hair products anymore?
Why do I still have this much stuff?
Oh, right, I stopped decluttering… stopped reducing my stuff while continuing the search for mental clarity and peace. How had I forgotten the peaceful meditation of getting rid of something?
Why did I still hang on to stuff for my fantasy self?
Why did I let myself be held back by fears and worries and…stuff!?
Glasses on, I continued to sweep, grateful that the lens would keep glass flecks from flying up into my eyes. I pondered my fears -I need to get healthy, I need to be more social, I need to be… less needy….
I moved on to my desk covered in papers and delayed decisions. Why did I have flashcards when I hadn’t used them since college? What about rechargeable batteries that I lost the charger for? Pens I’d never use, wall putty from 10 years, still unopened and probably unusable, and a tiny stapler that never worked properly.
I still had it from when I got it in high school…
Stuff. Stuff. So much stuff.
I can’t believe I’m still wading through stuff.
I had done a first major purge last winter, reducing my possessions by 65% – yeah, I did the math- and yet I seemed to have missed some things.
Or, maybe, It’s because I bought some things. Correction, I replaced some things with higher quality, better items. Quality of items had improved, broken items had been replaced, some much needed purchases had been met.
I was surprised that I missed some things to get rid off.
But maybe, I’d gotten nose blind. It was finally time to do more. Time for the second purge, or the third, whichever one it is now.
Time to resume the journey of minimalism.
It’s just too bad I had to break something I loved to figure that out.
Omelets and eggs, right? Stupid…
So I got 4 bags of things to give away/donate. And I feel like I’ve once more grasped something I’d forgotten.
Looks like I missed a piece. *sigh…