Zis Regret: Her Final Valentine

Ze wishes to go back in time
And never meet her
Knowing now, the end
Ze wished it had never even begun.

But youth is foolish
The summer air fills with potential
A world of happiness trapped
In her smile.

Like any smile, hers hides a world of pain
Zis laugh smothers discontent
But both find pleasure in the moment
Of meeting.

If only ze
Had stuck to zis instincts
Ze could have avoided
So much anguish.

They duct taped a world
And made it their own
Exacerbating each other
Painful hindsight.

Ze wonders if ze had
Been too vulnerable
Perhaps, ze should not have been so honest
Should have kept zis heart locked away.

Because she hurt zim so much more
Than all the others who’d gone before
Not just because of timing
But because ze had trusted her.

Ze wanted to be vulnerable
With her, test the waters
After prior hurts, ze
Let her in.

Ze can’t do this anymore
Can’t deal with friends who hurt
And carve up zis soul
Grafitti zis skin with scars.

Ze has no more tolerance
The pain drowns zim
Ze’d rather erase all their days
Never meet her again.

Ze’d rather she just tell him straight
That she hates zim, wants nothing to do with zim
That she’d explain why
She hurt zim this way.

Ze doesn’t need to be hurt again
Ze hurts zimself enough
Others have hurt zim before
She doesn’t need to hurt zim again.

Why did she pretend to love zim?
Ze’d rather stay alone
Than be tricked into thinking that someone
Wanted to be zis friend.

And what did ze ever do to her?
To make her turn against zim
Ze doesn’t know, and perhaps it’s
Better that way.

But ze’s done writing messages
To never hear reply
Ze’s done wondering what ze did
To be driven into exile.

Ze doesn’t want to hear her name
Never again will ze
Even worry for a moment that she’s okay
Because ze needs to be selfish, else ze will die.

And, yes, perhaps it has nothing to do with zim
The silence could be purely coincidental
But when she ghosted zim from her life
It went beyond apathy to pure indifference.

And ze’s tired of feeling that pain
Tired of bleeding out on the balcony
Waiting for her to find zim worthy
To reenter her good graces.

What had ze done?
What had ze done to result in this?
All ze knows is that the rift isn’t zis
And that ze needs to let go – once and for all.

And so, ze stumbles away
Binding wounds that bleed to this day
Someday, ze will regain zis trust
But definitely not today.

Perhaps ze will finally
Find someone who actually cares
Will love zim, and will not
Cut zim up again.

But the world is meant to hurt
Ze accepts that ze will always be carved
By those who pretend to love
Hopefully next time, ze will see it coming.

Blinded by love
Ze never saw her
Blade sinking into
Zis heart.

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Archways

This allegory
Is a heterosexual story
But can be applied
To any relationship in mind.

He felt lust
A status, not trust
Her thighs were the gateway
All he knew was hurry

She wanted a toy
Disguised within a ploy
Of attraction and need
She must sample and feed.

He wanted to break the rules
Be the bad one at schools
Lure the ripe peaches
With honeyed tempting speeches.

She wanted to be grown
Leaving the parents at home
Hopped that crotch rocket
To hell, or the next sunset.

He needed to show and put out
A big boy now, he shouts
Bitch I’m a man
This is all my master plan.

She needed to feel whole
Add more boys to her role
And she passed right through them
Like a pig trampling gems

He needed tactile notches
To feel clever like foxes
Because he doesn’t know himself
He’ll grab any trophy from the shelf

She lines up to the left
And struts right through his heft
He’s just another passage
Rights of a greedy savage

He struts to the right
And thrusts through her light
She’s just another cave
Selfishly, a method to self-save

And so, they march through each other
Blindly mislabeling themselves a lover
They dynamite past with bludgeoning force
Trample each other like the stampeding horse.

Then wonder at the wreckage they left behind
Gaping at wounds inflicted in kind
Never realizing that their fancies of love
A mere battlefield, both guilty of the fatal shove.

He was never the goal point
She was never the venture joint
Just doors standing in the way
A passage to pass the day.

An archway crumbles without a keystone
Relationships wither without water sown
A sanctuary of entitlement
Is no home of enlightenment.

Know thyself then find a lover?
Just use them to hide and cover!
They don’t know any better anyway
Love drunk works the same every day

 

Photo Credit: Massa

Don’t Say A Word

The water rises, the levees go down
Houses disappear without a sound
A waving hand sinks beneath the waves–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

A bullied child runs home in tears
To a home where none will hear his fears
The rope swings in the rafters–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

An angry mob screams retribution and hate
Destroying another innocent’s fate
Blood stains the dusty streets–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

Vitriol and fury runs down the page
Fuck you!!! cries the internet sage
A nation drowns beneath the weight–
Shhh… don’t say anything.

A church shout their hallelujahs
A congregation filled with barracudas
Hypocrisy vibrant on every face–
Shh… don’t say anything.

A holy man steals a precious soul
A priest shatters what should be whole
Lust, greed, and envy run amuck–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Whip the populous into a froth
Direct the orchestra as the conductor taught
Distract perspective and reality–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Another bullet loads into a gun
Another world comes undone
A deluded last stand–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Easily amused, so easily confused
Dance along to this terrible ruse
As another thousand succumb to the sword–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

And while most still cling to thoughts of a messiah
Still more seize justification for warfare and pariah
Another fool succumbs to manipulation–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Even children are polluted
Their innocence convoluted
Worse still, in wars they are recruited–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

If a tree falls, no one will here it
Not unless it cuts out the Ethernet
Let’s get real, nobody cares–
Shh… don’t say anything.

Nothing more than eminent destruction
Apocalypse remains the final construction
Last one standing gains all the wealth–
Shh… don’t tell anyone.

Tick tock, time to expire
Just wait until it all catches fire
By the way, the earth was never not burning–
Shh… your words don’t mean a thing.
So don’t tell anyone.

While There is Life, There are… Inconveniences

Throughout my formative years, being the smart one meant that no one would mess with me -that much. They’d be more likely to ask for my help than bully me -I guess you could say I bartered my brain to avoid all that.

But once I graduated and started working, I began to understand how different that environment was versus the educational environment. In school, the goal is to get good grades, which depend on you (mostly) and sometimes a team. In work, the goal is to complete tasks and projects, which depend on yourself, your team and your supervisor.

The first year was great, I was knocking out my work at a wicked pace. But I later realized that this only inspired insecurity and jealousies that quickly manifested in numerous ways -which I will not discuss here.

Needless to say, the situation rapidly tanked. To summarize, it was like living in enemy territory while walking through a minefield every day: everything is a trap, everyone is against you, and everywhere is unsafe. You either crumble under the pressure, or you don’t. And then you’d also have to decide how you will behave under those circumstances.

On the other hand, you really get to see the type of person you really are.

Granted, in the large scale of things, this experience was nothing; but, in the myopia of my life, it was rather significant. Stress, anger, and navigating office politics were a knife’s edge tightrope where balancing expectations came second to managing oneself and choosing your battles -you always have to stay true to yourself while maintaining dignity, self-advocation, and grace under fire. After exiting the crucible, I realized that I had passed through the stages of:

  1. Denial – “Surely this isn’t happening.”
  2. Anger – “How dare this fucking happen to me!”
  3. Acceptance – “Fine, this is happening then?”
  4. Cynicism – “Of course this is happening, what did I expect?”
  5. Pity – “I find it utterly pathetic that you need this to happen.”

I’ll tell you this, I have grown a great deal both in mental fortitude and in standing up for myself while remaining respectful and supportive regardless of the situation.

The following quotes stuck with me throughout this time.

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We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust the sails (1).png

In the word revenge, hides the word never. REVENGE | EGNEVER.

I’m not interested in revenge but the anger remains a fizzling ember of thought which, thankfully, fades day by day.

I calmly breathe away moments of vengeful thoughts by placing these perspectives in place.

1) Time has passed, let it go.
2) It’s not worth the hassle.
3) They will destroy themselves -all by themselves- with no need of assistance from you.

Revenge can be a trap, a whirlpool of toxic thoughts and anger. But revenge should not be used for petty slights, no matter how badly you or I might want to punish the offender(s). It is a costly business that will often take away more from the avenger than the offender.

And so I close this chapter of my life, snuff out the anger, take cleansing breaths and continue to live a fulfilling life. Because this is ultimately the greatest revenge.

“I am a stone, unaffected
Rain hell down onto me
I am a stone, unaffected
Your fool I will not be.”

~I Am A Stone by Demon Hunter

Smokey Eyes

She spoke with the scent of fire
A fine spectacle of brimstone and fury
Like a dragon of flame, the rippling tide
Of liquid gold both repels and attracts;
She is still so lovely, I adore her regardless
I scraped the dirt from my knees.

I listened to the sentences and dissected the words
But all my concentration was snagged
On the smoke-tinged solitude
And the lingering sadness.

In all those moments
When we both speak
But cannot hear or listen or resonate
Like ships in the night slipping from shore
The smoke signals fade away
We hit the icebergs; we’re going down

Ah, I shudder in the flame of her incantation
Somehow even more furious
Somehow more attractive
Even if it was just a moment of anger infused lust

They warned she’d only bring me sorrow
But I store my tears for tomorrow.
Bathed in the flame of her desire
How can I stay away?
Beguiling kohl-rimmed eyes
Dripping gray tears -wet the palate

And when the flames cool and the fire dies
The volcano crisped to ash
She handed me divorce papers
Charcoal and third-degree burns

She spoke with the scent of fire
A fine spectacle of brimstone and fury
Like a dragon of flame, the rippling tide
Of liquid gold, both bevels and attracts.