A swift look into last year’s “yesterday”.
Last year’s resolution was control.
I imagined, at the time, that like a Dom chaining down their Sub, I would finally be in complete mastery of all the things in my life that I felt so helpless about.
In truth, it was more about learning about the spheres of control. Some things are within reach and scope, others are not. Some things are frankly quite beyond my control and I’m perfectly okay with that.
It was about accepting responsibility for myself: my thoughts, my actions, the person who I am and will be and once was.
The curiosity of a bird with the certainty of premonition.
Chains aren’t just to tie down, they are to secure, to bind, to indicate limits. To jangle in warning, to chart distance or lack thereof.
A cigar is never just a cigar. And yet, it is…
Control was, for some reason, entwined with the concept of Perfection. And, this year, I learned to differentiate between them both.
“Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.” ~Ash Wednesday by T.S. Eliot
The mind is an intricate device. A complex mechanism that manifests in simple, predictable actions.
Thus saith the movie script writers.
Getting out of my own head has been extremely valuable. Learning that when people treat me like shit, sometimes-oftentimes- it’s not about me. It’s about the bad morning, a shitty afternoon, a spilled brunch coffee, a barking midnight dog, a tree with shit raining down on the birds at lower branches, etc..
Moving beyond self into the mystery of others. Becoming at peace with friends who don’t want to talk to me. Forgiving family who say all the hurtful things on purpose. Doing good to those who delight in slandering my name and reputation. Comforting those who will promptly remember that I am beneath them once the tears dry. Be BFFs for those 5 seconds in which I was suddenly needed, then… suddenly was not.
Being utterly flexible in a rigid, unadaptable world.
Learning not to care has been the most valuable lesson this year.
Love people, use things.