I borrowed your pain
And I do want to give back these holes
Because I forgot how much it rips my soul
The restless nights
The gulping and swallowed
Screams and reams of pain
That cannot keep these bones sane.
I didn’t protect myself
And I was left unprotected and
Vulnerable to your agony and hope
And now I’m the one trying to cope.
The typical expression
Of rough words and tones
I cannot retrieve, and I lied
To say I wasn’t confused and lost and dying inside.
The physical manifestation
Of this pain would be a relief
I know it, I dreamt it, I am it
And I must continue to deny myself against it.
I miss it, I hate it
I wallowed in an old and familiar
Sensation of loss and disturbance
I don’t even ask, I just accept it’s my comeuppance.
I suppose you’d say
It’s harmful and unhealthy
I don’t know, as much as I hate
It, it’s an addiction I miss and can’t shake.
As real as this is to me
You are not actually real;
I borrow your words and world
To manifest your agony in my soul unfurled.
It’s crazy, it’s insane
It’s addicting, I love
To hate, always miss
To avoid the awful return of this cursed kiss.
Empathy, don’t you know
This doesn’t exist
Your pain isn’t real and that this
Is just a book? -Work of fictitious.
You are a fiction to me
You don’t exist in my world
And yet, I suck it all in; the fey
Dark, an unnatural case of death and decay.
Crave, my ugly
Addiction in my brain,
This sadistic line tortured
To squeeze the faucet of emotion nurtured.
I will extinguish this sensation
And ruminate on your words
Ringing false and plain
After extracting your pleasure from my pain.