Coffee 21: I have not truly lived until now

For so long, days and nights have just been marking time on a clock. Scratching marks on the wall, like a prisoner awaiting release despite the fact that the sentence is life.

Waking up to the sun, the moon, the stars -the half-hearted belief that I would awake when I closed my eyes and the half-empty doubt that I would not. Trying to scrape up the need to care about that -what if I die tonight? What if I don’t wake up? Does it even matter?

The sun was hot, beating down on the almost parched land. I slipped into the shadow of a tree, awaiting the signal. I wasn’t alone. We were all waiting.

The field across the street filled with tents where children and teens grumbling for freedom from their overbearing tagging parents.

Or perhaps that observation was my jaded eye.

I stood next to a boy, no, he’s older -on the cusp of manhood- with the height and limbs of a new adult. His hair was dyed an interesting shade of orange peach that I fought against staring at. Made me miss my own brightly colored locks.

We shuffled in the heat, waiting. People walked past us, on the sidewalk, and I kept a watchful eye so they wouldn’t cut my place in line.

Then we began to move.

The treasures were revealed.

A smile crossed my face -the rumors were true. This was the biggest, most awesome used-furniture and item sale. The local “Dump and Run” collected items donated by nearby college students, families, and people throughout the year and then once a weekend in August, the doors would open and the discounted items would be available for purchase.

I was in paradise.

Immediately, I spotted the perfect rug. Snatched it up, twisted the rubberized bristles in my hands. I frog-marched that rug to the register, and waited –see the pattern? I can be patient– for the person ahead to finish their purchase.

I got that rug for a steal.

I’m so glad students spend money like water, so that I don’t have to.

Next, I picked up a clothes-drying rack, a small laptop case and the cutest little tea set!!!

I love the colors and potential shot glasses

And all for less than 16 pounds ($21). Holla!!!

Totally worth waking up at 6:45am.

I’ve been doing a lot of shopping lately, but this was the most satisfying, not just because it was getting cool stuff at a discount.

It was because I was outside, living my fucking life.


To the fullest

12 months ago, I wouldn’t have budged from my house on a weekend. I would have stayed home and watched TV. Every weekend.

Every single weekend. 52 weekends a year, for 8 years.

Habits quickly become the mainstay of life.

And I’ve mostly been concentrating on new ones. New habits.

Like, saying yes when friends invite me out for drinks and dancing. Like inviting people to come with when I get my shopping done (at least, while I borrow my mum’s car, lol).

Like talking to my cute new neighbor who is learning how to catch the bus and navigate her way after moving from China. I didn’t get her number, but she friended me on Facebook.

Ehh, progress.

Like, trying to force myself to exercise every day. That one is having trouble sticking, but we’ll get there yet.

We shall abide.

Life isn’t just something to get through, day by day, second by second. It is meant to be filled, like an empty room of opportunity. Fill it how you may, have no regrets.

Don’t leave it empty. Else you’ll be empty.

Glasses remain glasses until they are broken. And I am not broken.

Not yet.

I’m not the perfect glass. I have cracks and scratches, scars  and chips.

I’m nobody’s challenge. So don’t think “you” need to accept and take that step. “You” don’t need to break me. Save “your” ego, I’m no one special -not meant to be special.

I’m just an imperfect person getting through life, trying to fill each day with meaning.

Breaking free of the old, being born into today.

Being fully present in the now.


Bucket list

  1. Be a plus one, not an extra
  2. Be brave not bold
  3. Be loved, not tolerated
  4. Be cautious, not afraid
  5. Be respected, not trampled
  6. Be calm and at one

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