The Way I Are -Right Now

Dear July Vacation

I wish I didn’t have to leave you. I want to go back to the coffee shops that felt so peaceful.

The more I integrate back, the more I realize that I’m so over being in this location -I dream of the ocean. The scent of the waves, the vibration of the shoals, the call of the birds and the lull of the tides. I can’t wait to see a flowing, clean stream of water, without worrying about pollution.

I miss the humidity of the forest, the soft patter of the rain, the hum of my bike on wet asphalt, with no traffic on the road for miles and miles. I miss hiking and climbing in the woods, hunting for craw-fish, and releasing frogs into the wild.

I guess, most of all, I miss the simplicity of childhood. The forgotten years of bliss I will never regain. The blessed ignorance, the myopia, the tunnel vision of youth forever lost with the enveloping mantle of responsibility, duty, and adulthood.

Why did we grow up? Because we had to…


Feels like shit.

I was sharply reminded today that people don’t change. They just like to make you think they have, waiting for the moment you let your guard down before stomping you in the nuts and hurling curses in your face.

Lucky that I didn’t forget. I didn’t forget how pathetic and miserable people can be, so it wasn’t a surprise when they turned on me.

Lesson learned.

My mind casts to Chronicles of Riddick in the first 15-20 minutes where Vin Diesel’s character, Riddick, ruminates to himself that he was stupid to trust when his experiences have taught him better. That he knew better than to put faith in anyone, when his life has been a running creed of the faithlessness of people in regards to trust and care.

Even the god-fearing spread nets for his feet.

Lesson learned.

I could ramble further, on how I have learned and what I’ve learned. That unlike stories and films, life is fucking complicated and tends to take the choice for trust right out of your hands. How you are forced, beyond your control, to be things and do things and say things and provide things that you don’t want to.

To be people for other people, because you just want to keep that tiny corner of yourself pure and true and out of the grasp of anyone else.

How they will do all they can to defile you, degrade you, besmirch you so they can feel righteous in their muddy robes.

That ego and manipulation are the creeds by which we are forced to play at life. Not so much a game of thrones, but a game for survival where the prize is sanity, not royalty.

Where you’d sell your soul to get ahead. Sell your mother to escape.

Tape back the screams and swallow the truth. No one wants to hear it.

We’re all trapped in the Matrix, baby. No one gets out alive.

Carve out your corner of heaven and guard it precious. You don’t know who will snatch it away at a moment’s notice…

“Put out the light, and then put out the light.” For within my misery, thou art made whole…


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