Stubborn, Selfish, and Unapologetic

Written while blasting Slipknot, Drowning Pool, and Spineshank…

“Death should find you. You shouldn’t go looking for it.” ~ Opalflame

And yet…

I think I’m an adrenaline junkie.

I was talking to my professor, many years ago, sharing my goal of riding a motorcycle at high-speed down the western coast of the US.

I was surprised at his vehement negative response to my aspiration.


He was afraid that I’d die.

I was too young, too reckless.

“If anything,” he said, “please just do it in a car! At least you’d have buffer if you crash!! Top down, driving fast, it’d feel just like a motorcycle would!!”

Frankly, I was surprised. He was actually worried about my safety. I found that… odd.

Odd, because I didn’t think he actually cared. About me. About my potential imminent demise.

Okay, rethinking (and rereading) this with a new perspective, my surprise is odd.

He shared a story about his classmate who similarly chased the adrenaline. He spent his life skydiving, racing, base jumping, etc. His pursuit for thrills ended after he died in an avalanche during a cross-country ski (or hike up some mountain) in Europe.

“Please, just, please. For goodness sake,” he pleaded, “don’t go near motorcycles!”


Severe backfire -it only ignited a fierce determination to make my fantasy come to life.

I’ve imagined all the worst case scenarios.

  1. Getting run over by a truck/car
  2. Getting my head sliced off by a wire/clothesline stretched across a driveway/roadway/etc.
  3. Wiping out so bad I lose all my skin.
  4. Wiping out and over a cliff.
  5. Death. In all it’s myriad forms.

I’ve been afraid of a lot of things.  But I’m more afraid of never getting to do the things that I want to do.

I’ll be the most terrified in the moments before I die, especially if it’s sudden. Fuck, I hope it isn’t sudden.

I’m aiming for old age, all things considered…


Opinions & assholes. Everyone has one…

Help me out here, why are other people’s opinions so important?

  • The people with the opinions are _____ by the listener
    • Valued
    • Respected
    • Admired
  • The listener is ____ by the people with the opinions
    • Brainwashed
    • Overly influenced
    • Manipulated
  • The opinions are ____ for the listener, regardless of source
    • Influential
    • Impactful
    • Crippling

Ehh, the list continues.

So long as marketing and freedom of speech exists, opinions will run rampant. But it’s really up to the listener how much of an impact they will have.


And fuck fear.

I can’t be afraid of people. Their feelings, their expectations. The things I can’t control. People I definitely can’t control.

I’m not a manipulator. I can’t get anyone to do anything, even if I can tell they want to.

…I’m no one’s savior.

And I won’t hang on a cross for anyone.

Lol, this is a great first line for a story with the ironic twist where I actually get hung on a cross to save someone.

Paranoia aside.

I refuse to feel guilty about it. Every day is a shell I shed to embrace the new day. Clinging to the skins of yesterday do nothing but injure me.

I can’t save anyone, or rescue anyone. It’s like trying to save someone when you have broken arms. Impossible.

So I just stick with saving myself. If I fail with that, then I fail. And it’s me. On me.

“Do I really want this
Sometimes I scare myself I just can’t let it go
Can you believe it
Everything happens for reasons I just don’t know

I don’t care about anyone else but me
…I don’t care about anyone or anything
…But me!!!!
God damn I love me”

~”Tear Away” by Drowning Pool

And this is me, living life to the fullest.

One step at a time.

Then a walk, a run and-

A steady jog…


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