“Memory is a curious thing. It can be beautiful if you let it, hurt you if you let it, destroy you, if you let it. It’s all about power and where you put it. Do you put it in the hands of that person you knew, who said those things way back when, who used their words to give you pain? Hell no!
- It’s in the past, they can’t hurt me anymore.
- I’m stronger now, I won’t Let them hurt me any more.
- I live in the present, and in the here and now, I can take you down. Not in a hurtful spiteful way, but rather, take away your power to affect me and simply walk away. Because you lashing out is sad.
PDF –>’Pity dat fool.'”
I wrote this quote a year ago. Impressive that I have moments of this wisdom.
Out of (my) Depth
This week has been full of lots of stuff.
Looootttss of stuff.
Like -“Who am I, and should I really be focusing on this right now?”
Priority 1: I need a job so I have somewhere to live and can eat and be a productive society member…
Priority 2: I need a good job that fulfills me and gives me the skills I need to achieve success in the form I find fitting.
Priority 3: Right, who am I again?
I’m actually doing better, because priority 3 would have been bumped down to “off the grid entirely”.
But needs of the flesh override needs of the mind, in many respects. And as much as my brain swims with questions, uncertainty, doubts and deceptions, I need food on the table, my good health to maintain, and -riiiiight- life to live.
I’m used to being off balance…
I still don’t feel like I have a name, not really. Empty and cold as ashes, all names feel like nothing and something.
Just as I feel like nothing and something.
But not now, you unknown wild-ling!!
So tired of going around being told what I gotta do, or who I’m supposed to be… Hey, that’s a song isn’t it?
I don’t want to be
Anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ’round rooms
Wondering what I’ve got to do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me
(Gavin DeGraw – I Don’t Want To Be)
Know the fucked up part? I lost myself again.
It’s happened before.
Identity crisis? Not really. Time to borrow another mask till I figure it out. Fake it till I make it, right?
Who is “ME” anyway?
Maybe it’s a huge problem. And maybe it’s a huge problem that I don’t see this as a big deal -meanwhile my hind-brain is panicking like “FUCK!!! SHIT!!!!” while fore-brain is calmly thinking “kay, how do I pay the bills this month…?”
This is familiar.
Gotta shove it to the back again. Not cuz I don’t want to see it, but because I have more pressing matters right now…
How do I get rid of mold on the carpet?
Did I pack?
When will I be paid?
Will I die from the mold? Gahhhh, now I’m imagining it growing on me …aaaaAAAAAHHHHH!!! DISGUSTING!!!
Sorry, where were we?
See? Too much other stuff happening right now…
And yet, in this apathy and despair, I sense that something amazing floats before me. If only I can… just… get ahold of it…
Wrap my fingers in the veil and pull it aside. And there I will find these answers…
Make it mine again.
Cuz I’m always losing track of the most important things. Like-hello!!!
I am my #1 PRIORITY!!! MAKE me #1 already!!! Stop putting everything and everyone ahead- they do NOT offer the same favor.
Except in the fantasies of religion…
No one else puts me first. Why don’t I if I am the only one who cares about me here?
That sneaky bastard -always destroying what I work so hard to build…
The sabotager. Classic.
I was venting to my brother about stuff a couple days ago. How stuff was different and complicated, and what the fuck!!
His response? “Thoughts and feelings”.
I was like… okay, but stuff!!! COMPLICATED!!! Felt wrong and shit.
His response? “Thoughts and feelings.”
Okay… I get it.
I admit, FB messenger encourages getting to the point. But he really has a knack for cutting down to the quick in terms of coring of the situation.
- Thoughts are complicated.
- Feelings are complicated.
- Both are ridiculously complicated
With these points understood, is it really surprising that shit is complicated, different and -yes- confusing?
Not at all.
So, why did I spiral into that thought of- this is weird that it’s complicated!- instead of recognizing that… duh!! it’s gonna be nothing but complicated?
This is a rhetorical question, fyi…
So I’ve gotta accept my wholly complicated self. Pronto.
And that’s what I’ll be working on going forward.
Yes, diet and exercise.
Yes, getting sleep.
Yes, figuring identity out.
Yes, put food on table, have job, be an adult ‘n’ shit.
And make yourself the #1 priority.
Also, my next identity will probably be a lumberjack. Just cuz.
…thoughts and feelings…
PS: I just noticed that Identity has “tity” in it… XP
PPS: I’m silly when I don’t sleep. Ignore me.