Coffee #20: Vacation… a Foreign Creature

Right. Just lie back and relax.


REL- Okay, I can’t do this, where’s my work email?

Awful! Literally can’t relax…4 days later. I’m taking some hard earned time away to recharge after almost two years since my last big vacation (longer than a 3 day weekend). And day 1-2 was travel. Day 3 was me being tense as fuck. And here I am in day 4, finally getting used to ignoring work stuff and taking time out for me.

Now, I just have to wrangle the hypercritical and “just chill” voices in my head. And all the other inner dialogue voices.

And my crawling skin that just won’t settle because fuck it! Uncomfortable is the new norm right now!

So bear with me as I spew unfiltered words that I’ll attempt to wrangle into order later.

  1. Went on Vacation – great.
  2. Visited a friend I haven’t seen in person in forever – awesome!!
  3. Trying on “me” and -surprise!- I’m just as awkward and feeling like this also doesn’t fit.
  4. Feeling like a failure because I’m a bundle of restless thoughts and indecision.

In an attempt to escape a box, I feel like I landed into another one.

And again, I smile and nod instead of saying “No! Yes! FUCK!!”

So much for progress.

Again, I’m craving what I don’t even know. A rush of adrenaline, a high of endorphins, that feeling when I zipped around that 90 degree corner in the family car at 130 kph/80 mph.

Some way to kiss the veil that separates life from death, and has you walking away, feeling like a superhero. Like the guy who fell from a great height when climbing Mt. Everest, and craves skydiving ever since.

I need a drink… That’s what I need, a way to just blow off some steam, turn off the inner dialogue/monologues and cut loose for a bit.

Amazing… just when I escape it, this mood sets in. This mood like, something is missing, and music can’t fill it, and running doesn’t fill it, and mental imagery of pain and edges take over. Scratching at my skin that doesn’t even fit.

Doesn’t even make sense. Does anything make sense?

Relax…I can’t fucking relax. When I turn work off, emotions spew everywhere like a hydrant uncorked.

Off balance, like I’m not myself. And I’ve forgotten who that is.

Sucks. Story of my life.

Fuck, we’re here again, aren’t we? Yeah…

I used to punch walls when I was in this mood. Now I’m too civilized.

I feel like my inner savage wants to cut loose. But I can’t. I never can. I’ve seen what happens when I let it out, and it’s like…Guts when the armor takes over.

Backstory: Guts is the MC of “Berserk” (a dark fantasy anime and manga by Kentaro Miura), and is a powerful yet tortured mercenary swordsman bent on a path of revenge. He acquires cursed armor that makes him invincible, at the cost of destroying his body, and losing control of mind and body. He can’t control who he attacks and sometimes mistakes allies for enemies and loses more of his soul every time he uses this power.

I feel like this happens with me sometimes. I tend to be blunt instead of gracious, critical instead of thankful, brash instead of patient.

And unintentionally, I hurt people around me, just by being myself. Then I have the option. To care or not care. Do I say sorry or nothing? Do I change or say screw them?

What and when is which the right reaction.

I lost a friend by saying sorry. It was so fucking confusing… by saying sorry, I gave careless words more meaning than I ever imbued them with.

I lose friends by not saying sorry. Burned either way, what difference does it make? The result is the same.

It’s unavoidable.

All changes will be equally useless. It’s futile.

The first time I heard the word futile used outside a book was in the anime Naruto where Neji fights the MC (Naruto) who is unreasonably optimistic. But Neji had learned the hard way that fate cannot be changed, and attempting to do so was useless.

“It’s futile!”

{And they say anime, comics and cartoons don’t teach you anything…}

Life can feel like that. At what point are you in control or just following a script not of your own design?

Because even when the parents let go, their grip is tattooed on your soul. Even when you escape the Shadow of Mordor, you’re still waking up with nightmares and fear in the night. Even when you win the war, soldiers drop like flies in the veil of suicide.

So how do you define “Win”?

Because sometimes it’s a catch-22. No one wins. It’s just survival. Day to day, trying to make my way. That’s it.

So for godssake, enjoy the flipping vacation!

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