Coffee #17: Dreams and Crushes

“I’m infected with you. Pull the plug already. Tell me before I go, That you’re infected with me.”  ~Infected by Demon Hunter

No coffee in ages. No rest for the weary. I’m exhausted in mind, body, soul, heart, and spirit.

But triumphant. -Ish.

Pull up a chair, let’s talk about life. I can’t wait to share, so tell that barista to shake a tail feather!

Damn it, who put vodka in my hot chocolate? Barkeep-erista!!!

Start with a Recent Dream

I had a dream that was a “story”-based one. Like a movie plot, with a beginning, middle, end, and somewhat unresolved conclusion. Plus tons of action.

The main part revolved around rescuing orphans from the evil billionaire’s orphanage.

The orphans had been left in my charge after skeleton wraiths killed and/or vanished all the parents in this weird freak purge. As I was trying to escape with my brother, random parents were pressing their kids in my arms as they ran past us to face off against the threat.

I’d been taking care of the kiddos ever since. At least, until we got caught in the family services net one day and they were taken away from me to live within the Billionaire’s orphanages. The facilities were reputable on the outside, but really hid human experimentation projects behind the scenes.

After failing to rescue them the first time, I managed to escape and linked up with other “rebels” to engage in pestering the billionaire, punishing criminals, and occasionally hanging out.

At one point, I was back at headquarters planning (for the millionth time) a safe and quick way to rescue those poor orphans when three people walked into my office. Two were people I don’t know in real life, and one was my current crush. They walked in, somber and sad. “Have you heard?” they asked.

“Heard what?” I replied, warily.

“One of the orphans, _[name]__, died.”

Images of a young girl with musical laugh, innocent smile and light brown hair floated through my memory. I froze in shock. “What!?”

“She was in an unauthorized experiment and she started to seize (short for seizure). They gave her too much drugs and she died from an overdose.”

Devastated, I crumbled, sinking to my knees with a wail on my lips. I could feel my chest caving in, my heart bleeding and crushed. It was like my world sank into despair.

I looked up and my crush was standing in front of me, hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’ll be okay?” they said.

Blindly I reached up and sank into their arms, and suddenly I wasn’t drowning alone. I had a life raft and that eased some of my pain. I still felt shock, but I also felt anchored instead of adrift.

There is a huge difference between suffering through a loss alone, and having someone to lean on in those moments. It was like for a few moments, the brunt of the impact was fended off and I was sheltered for a few precious moments.


Dear Subconscious… WTF

Yeah, like so what’s with the orphans? Some parents actually trusted me with their kids (no waivers included)? Oooo-Kay…

A case of the Orphan caring for orphans, not at all odd…

Apparently, dreaming of  caring for orphans relates back to resolving inner feelings of abandonment, solitude, and lack of belonging. Rescuing/caring for the inner victim.

It can also mean, departing from established tradition and developing new aspects of one’s humanity. Transitioning away from an established way of life or separating from parents/family.

Orphanages relate back to fear of rejection.

I’m not a dream interpreter, but this sounds right. It links back to 3 main changes that have taken place in my life.


Change #1: Mother Reacts

After my conversation with Mother about sexuality and identity last fall, she’s spoken less about it. Mainly because she’s more distracted by my increased vocalization against religion.

Namely, that I want nothing to do with her prayers, her god, or her church. If I’m to burn in hell, I’d rather burn as an honest “sinner”, than a miserable hypocrite. And she’s made it abundantly clear that her religion/god/church have no room for me -identity and sexuality-wise.

Like it’s any of “god’s” business.

So I officially walked away from it all. I’d started walking away years ago, but I finally had the courage and backbone to officially verbalize it to her.

Mother’s response has been nothing but guilt trips paired with constantly mentioning god (within every other word in a sentence). Consequently, I don’t really care to talk with her much, especially on Saturdays when she goes to church. Hence the guilt-trip cuz I don’t talk to her… yadda, yadda, etc.

In many ways, she’s my greatest supporter. Except in this, which I expected, considering comments she’s made over the years. But it’s still disappointing.

Our relationship has been so complex. Looking back, I couldn’t separate myself from her, she has such a firm hold on me and her strong personality played a huge role in smothering me as an individual and unique person. As the first born, I got the trial-and-error childhood, so I don’t blame her for her miss-steps.

It’s just time for us to uncouple. 🙂


Change #2: My Spring has (finally) arrived

In addition to the assimilation of myself- and being more in tune with inner & outer me- I’m currently in the torturous throes of my first crush.

Well, not my first-first, but my first crush at a point of life where I’m ready to be in a relationship.

I’ve actually been crushing on this person for years, but life had diverged us on separate paths that surprisingly reunited us. This renewed proximity has blossomed my feelings of friendship to a full blown crush, complete with cardiovascular agony.

Ahhh, nothing like cupid’s arrows bleeding from my thorax…

I am a direct person, but I also feel the need to carefully 1) evaluate my feelings and make sure that I’m experiencing what I think I am (hey, it’s all new for me) because I care too much about this person to jump into a confession on a whim.

That took a whole 11 months (I don’t move hastily…).

2) After evaluating, with my heart and brain, taking that next careful step of confessing.

Annnnd I’m still on step 2. Timing is my excuse. When is it ever right? It always feels wrong…

Other doubts include: Do they even want to date anyone/are they dating someone else right now? Would I be their ideal, like they are mine? Will they love me once I go through all the stuff that is me?


Okayyyy I admit to leaping ahead. First, have The Talk

Hey, I like you. We’ve been friends for (3+) years and I have deeper feelings now. Do you feel the same? Can we get to know each other more? I have a crush on you…

Constant. Source. of Anxiety! Worse than putting my money in a risky stock investment…

TBC… I hope with good news…


Change #3: Intentional Connections

I’m still looking for my pack, my crew, my posse.

I feel so awkward so often. I don’t have a group of friends that I feel 100% in tune with. My closest friends have moved away or will move away. And the people I hang out with…I feel like we’re still getting to know each other.

Plus my closest friends are women, amazing amazing women, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about my whole androgyny/transgender/nonbinary gender journey. And that’s incredibly lonely.

I don’t have anyone I feel that I can open up to about stuff like this aside from 2-3 people who are my long distance (and longest known) friends. And they’ve been amazing and supportive.

Yet, I still feel like I need more. Is it selfish of me to want more? Someone(s) nearby who can grab coffee with me on the weekends, hit a bar on Friday nights, and just be trustworthy and dependable who will let me talk with them?

Sometimes, I am in conversations and I can’t get a word in, because the other person is going through their life stuff. And I get left out since there’s no time or room for me to even speak. I don’t get to share my journey or my experiences so it feels very one sided…

Hence why my long distance friends are most dependable. We’ve known each other for many years and we share equally. The newer friendships  I’m building sometimes seem very one-sided and unfulfilling. Surely there is more.

I feel there must be more…

I miss having guy friends- to play sports, hang out, work out, etc. etc.

Guy friends are amazing. They can be very sensitive -despite stereotype- and they don’t come with a lot of drama.

There’s a saying that “women bring the drama” and often, the moment my guy friends start dating, the women in their lives find me to be either some sort of threat (why? I don’t know…) or they cause the guys to lose their minds with jealousy, love triangles and other shenanigans caused by unfaithfulness.

But I digress.

I’m looking to open myself to new experiences and environments where I can meet new people. I’d also love to connect with my local gender-inclusive group(s) and expand beyond my usual network.


So, there you have it. Dreaming of Orphans can be more complex than anticipated.

And… I need more vodka!!!

Where is that barkeep-erista?!

2 thoughts on “Coffee #17: Dreams and Crushes”

  1. “(She talks about it less now.) Mainly because she’s more distracted by my increased vocalization against religion.” Lol’ed!

    I’m dying to know who this crush is! Waiting for that revealing post..

    Don’t be nervous to approach the person about this. I know that’s the dumbest and easiest advice ever, but still.. DON’T BE NERVOUS! You’re SO brilliant and cool and fun.. they’d be crazy to say no.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the encouragement and support! I hope that I’ll be able to have The Talk before the end of the week.

      I’m trying to have that internal confidence too, cuz there is no need to go in expecting failure. Gahhh but the wait is killing me…!

      Hope to have updates soon, thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

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