Everyone down on the floor.
No sudden moves, and lock the door.
I’ve got this feeling I’m chasing.
I’ll never rest, until I find it.
But I’ve been plotting away, in my heart everyday;
To put this plan into action.
And though I tried to resist, I find the thing is this;
Until I get it there is no satisfaction!!!
-“Evil (A Chorus of Resistance)” by Project 86
#1: There is no plan
The future stretches out into the unlimited finite with all the dark vaguity that it warrants. I see now, why many pour money into finding their future through signs, cards, palms, words, promises.
The future is such a riddle. When you know it, it is limited. When you don’t know it, it is limitless. Tagged with that, you will never know whether or not the knowing or the not knowing changes how the future plays out.
If you didn’t know, would it be different? If you did know, would it be as open and limitless?
Classic Forbidden Fruit theory. Once tainted, the other option is forever out of reach.
With the perspective of no plan, the best thing to do is wipe the slate clean and start anew.
Let us explore. Again. Let us redefine the lines, the boundaries. Let us erase the walls and parameters.
Forget color by numbers. I prefer to draw from scratch and color by imagination.
#2: Who am I? -this question again
Was I swept up in sensationalism? No
Are you really bisexual? Yes. I am attracted to men and women.
How do you identify, gender-wise? Male majority
What do you want to change about yourself in reflection of your gender identity?
A lot, actually.
I like to span the range between masculine and androgyny. I prefer fluidity, in many ways. I lean masculine, and towards such a wardrobe. I have never liked pink, nor will ever wear it willingly. I may have the impulse to wear a dress -about .0001% of the time.
But more important than what I wear, I’m more interested in improving the type of person I am.
Check please. As in, I’m done checking boxes, finding frames, researching fancy words and terminology that are supposedly informative of who I am.
I know who I am. I don’t need a list of empty words that even I don’t understand to define me. Let me remain unique, “define-less”, myself.
Right now, I’m more focused on being healthy. Like, better diet and drinking enough water. Getting my 10,000 steps in. Exercise and finding a form I don’t hate. Because I do hate gyms, but I like walking and I like group sports. I can walk forever now, and I am enjoying being a healthier person.
People have started commenting on how much thinner I look. It is encouraging in the face of waning self-control. I’m not even halfway, yet I still I want a break. I’ve been craving a veggie burger -black bean, with onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and a small set of fries.
Anyway, it’s good to be better. Walking without pain, always a bonus.
Time to be a better person, not better identifying my labels. Labels aren’t worth the paper they’re written on, half the time.
It’s the ingredients, not the brand, that matters.
#3: My Next Move
Literally. People are dying, children are starving, and my move isn’t that significant in comparison.
Seriously, who cares what my “move” is anyway. I’m nobody, a dot on the planet, which is itself a mote in the universe.
I’m not special. I’m just surviving life.
#4: Closing the Chapter -> A New Book of Leaves
Am I -egads!- more cynical? Maybe.
I haven’t had a special life or unique experiences. I doubt even my brain waves and patterns are much different from many others. Such is life, unique isn’t all that special in the larger scheme of things.
Or maybe this is the fault of the allergy season -justify how you will.
I have changed. I’m always changing, evolving.
“There are two types of [people]… the doormats and the matadors…” – House of Cards S2 E3 (or E2).
Which are you?
I am the one that let’s me sleep at night without shame or degradation. That isn’t always the matador.
Pick and chose your battles. Win the war.
I was asked recently “Which is worth more to you? Principles or money?”
What a question. Never ask poor people this question, it will destroy the nobility of the human race.
Because it’s a trick question. Principles put no food on the table. Yet, food can never erase shame.
…Don’t worry, I wasn’t asked to be a prostitute.
Adulthood sucks, but it’s necessary.
And we’re all just trying to survive life and enjoy what we can of it.
What more can be done now?