Ugh!! I wish I could just be original without having to worry about being unoriginal.
So often, I feel like a copy of a copy. In the most real of senses.
After overcoming the standard childish narcissism, I swung into the complete opposite spectrum. I’m merely a plagiarism.
Everyone has thought what I think. Everyone has become who I want to be. Everyone has invented my ideas. Written my words. Extracted my concepts. Become my identity.
If everyone is me, then who am I?
Lately, I feel hollow. An empty shell of something familiar on the outside, that’s completely void underneath. A husk of the caterpillar that has long ago taken flight. Still clinging to something of significance, long ago forgotten.
Were I to bare my soul, and spill my memories across this page, there would be everyone. Everyone has those same memories, thoughts. Everyone has those experiences. Everyone has felt that, reacted that way, said that, embraced that, stabbed that.
Who am I if everyone is me?
I am supposed to be unique -or is that another lie?
I am no one, and everyone is me.
I feel consumed by “everyone”. Threatened. As if they were a black hole into which I would disappear and cease to exist. Stifled, empty, stuffed into the tiniest crack of the universe.
Everyone would be there, waiting. I can’t seem to escape.
I am nothing, and no one. Drowned into the vast expanse of others, sucked into the stark emptiness where my lips move without voice. My hands move without gestures. My eyes blink without sight. A spider siphones away my dreams and my creations are extracted with all the finesse of Rogue, who will eventually kill me. For what purpose am I, without me…when I am no one and everyone is me.
Ah, why am I the imperfect clone? Half-baked and imperfect. Everyone has it together, but not me. They’re the better version, the sugar without the bitter, the sour and sweet.
I think it’s an illusion. But everyone thought of it first.
I wanted to fake it. But everyone faked it first.
I wanted to make it. But everyone made it first.
Doesn’t matter. Why give a shit. Everyone’s already past caring about it.
WHY DO i HAVE to be THE ONE who has to worry aBOUT being ORIGINAL!
Nobody else is, they just go on, enjoying their lives and being themselves without questioning or second guessing more than 40% of the time. They don’t catalogue every thought in their head, every move they make.
WHY AM i THE ONLY ONE who even cares?
I am acutely aware of the absolute necessity to be the leader, not the follower. To be original, not a copycat.
Every time I look around.
Every time I have a breakthrough.
I am first place loser.
Because everyone- you guessed it!!
They got there already. And it’s all their own.
And I’m just the plagiarist. Who copied everybody.
*Don’t scream. Everyone has done that already.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Gordon Ramsey cook pork belly.