This past week has encompassed:
- Painful memories
- Sleepless nights
- New beginnings
So, let’s grab our mugs and cozy up to the fireplace. I’m gonna just talk for a bit, if you don’t mind.
I am walking a fine line between obsessing with the past and learning lessons from it. In an effort to stop obsessing, I put away many of my memories, which in turn, caused me to forget some important lessons that stemmed from those experiences.
And while I’m remembering why it is so important to have these lessons, each are accompanied with their respective unpleasant memory.
Remembering = dismembering
For example, I’d forgotten my childhood… which wasn’t horrendous, but wasn’t exactly the shining star of my existence.
Which makes me wonder if any part of my life has been that “shining moment of existence”… Mainly experience-wise rather than accomplishment-wise
So I’ve got “middle” insomnia. Hence, why we’re chatting at some obscene time of the night (hey, if I don’t sleep, you don’t sleep).
Basically, middle insomnia is when you’re exhausted and fall asleep right away, but you can’t stay asleep. This past week I averaged roughly 4 hours (between 1800-2200) of sleep then being unable to go back to sleep until some insane time of the morning. Without fail, I’m ready to go back to sleep right around the time I get ready for work…
My brain awakens and immediately starts spinning frantically, over stuff I don’t even remember in the morning, but it keeps me from falling asleep again.
I had a dream a few days ago, that I was walking through this huge mall, that stretched into infinity. The farther I walked, the more stores and food courts I passed.
Walking and walking past hundreds of strangers, I saw someone walk by, someone… familiar. I recognized my childhood friend, the one who was my best friend. The one I lost touch with so many years ago, and still miss.
I turned around and followed her, she looked like she was in a group of family members. The faster I ran after her, the faster she seemed to walk away.
She’d almost gotten out of sight, when I realized that if I didn’t do something, I’d lose her forever. Part of me wondered if I should give up, but a bigger part of me didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to lose her again.
I started yelling her name. At first, a whisper, then crescendoing into shouting as loud as I could. For the first few, she didn’t hear me, then I finally shouted loud enough that she stopped and turned around.
“____!! _______!!! Is that you?!! ____!? Remember me?!”
She just stared at me for a few minutes, a stony look in her eyes. Then she turned around and walked away, disappearing into the distance, melting into the hundreds of anonymous.
I cannot describe the devastation I felt, standing in that mall, people brushing past. Standing there, feeling cold and alone and hurt.
Suddenly, I’m walking again, in the opposite direction, just as I had been. Walking past hundreds of strangers, through this huge mall, stretching into infinity. With the weight of a broken heart.
Suddenly, my Mom pops out of nowhere. “Hey, was that ____? I just talked with her and she’s doing great,” she jabbers, oblivious to my pain. It hurts, but I keep listening, because I can’t not know. Know if she’s okay, if she’s happy.
“…I asked her if she’d spoken with you, if she’d seen you, but she said she didn’t want to see you. Ever. She wants nothing to do with you.”
Have you ever felt your heart crack?
Mine did. Part of me was in shock, speechless, numb. Part of me wondered why my own mother would tell me this with a cheerful lilt in her voice. Like she hadn’t just broken me.
Why would she even tell me?!
I woke up, and I actually forgot about this dream until yesterday, when I was talking to someone, and that entire emotion slammed into me in mid sentence.
Since that dream, I can’t stay asleep. I can’t dream -and I’m a voracious dreamer.
My New Year’s resolution is not a resolution. It’s a word.
- Step one: Diet and exercise
- Step two: Mentality -> meeting goals previously procrastinated.
- Step three: Articulate goals and mileposts and celebrate meeting them.
I’m also in the process of designing my own tiny house. Literally, ideas, diagrams, etc. but I’m not a carpenter, electrician, builder, or anything like that. So no diagrams are drawn to scale, but my goal is to learn how to design one effectively.
Step 2 will be learn how to build one. 🙂
More to follow…
So… is it just me, or are my socks on fire?