Hey, sorry we couldn’t meet yesterday for our coffee break. But I understand that vacation is a busy time away from the normal rhythms. I’m sending you a series of emails instead, hope you don’t mind, we still are unable to translocate things like coffee through the wireless.
Anyway, happy holidays, and thanks for reading. 🙂
Three days ago…
It’s too much.
The walls are closing in, I am compressed by the emotions, and the voice in the back of my head whispers the fuck are you complaining about? things are great, in comparison to others who are actually going through crappy shit.
It may be in my head, but that shit is real enough.
It’s times like this that I wish I had a collar. It calms me, holds the pieces together. Not going to talk about that anymore.
I should be blasting metal music right now, that shit helps. But I’m watching Elementary instead.
A motif: things I should be doing, but aren’t, for some self-destructive reason.
- I should be taking care of myself, but I’m not. I’m not sleeping well, not eating well, not… just not.
- I should care more that I’m fucking myself up, but I’m not. Great.
- I should be going outside. I’m not.
- I should, I don’t know, be normal. I’m not.
I feel like I need to lose myself to find myself. Disappear, and be reborn.
Dry drowning, it feels like everything should be okay, but it isn’t.
That voice again, whispers enough with the pity party.
Well, I’ve earned one.
My life isn’t bad. But it could be better. The futile chase for improvement. Is it futile? I wonder sometimes.
Two days ago…
Me: “Hey bro, how are things?”
Bro: “Going well, how are you, man?”
“Fine. Hanging solo this holiday, wish you were here.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“So, yeah, I went to our parent’s house on Monday, aannnnddd she told me not to come back.”
“Cuz I told her, I didn’t want to have worship with her anymore.”
“Dude, why not?”
“It’s so empty! It’s rote, it’s vain repetition, and it just seems like an empty ceremony done out of habit. If there is a god, or whatever, I’d think that sincerity would be more of a priority.”
“But, what’s the problem with just going?”
“I don’t wanna lie! I’m not gonna sit there and pretend I’m okay with it. Plus, I get so bored. With my brain, I end up sitting there, writing out my next story in my head. I’ll literally be there physically and a thousand miles away in reality. I think it’d be more respectful, if I just wasn’t there.”
Plus, the fact that I’m not into any of that stuff anymore. The praying, the singing, the “we are not worthy!”. It’s all…empty.
“I mean, hey, I don’t get that stuff either, but I try to put my spin on it to make it more interesting.”
“I get that, but I’m not really about that stuff. Never have.”
I pick up of the phone (2 missed calls, 1 text from Mom):
Hey, how are you really doing? You seem a little quiet. Is everything going okay? Have a good evening. Talk to you later. Love mom. You can text me back if you feel like.
Mom: “Hey, how are you?”
“Is everything okay?? Why do you sound like that?”
“You sound sad. Are you tired?
“You sure? You sound a bit down.”
I’ve been watching movies and playing video games nonstop this weekend and I look forward to doing more this week. Huzzah, holidays.
So, yeah, I’ve been a bit down. The last time I felt great was last week…Monday. Since then, I’ve been feeling mopey, and droopy.
I’m Not depressed. Believe me, I’ve been there, and this ain’t even close.
Looks like I hit a downswing. Or maybe I’m just getting back to my roots. It seems with all the melding taking place, I’ve forgotten how much of a realist I am. Realist with a healthy dash of pessimism. When you are surrounded by optimists, and trying not to be glaringly obvious that you aren’t, it’s easy to forget how gray everything really is, despite all attempts to whitewash.
I’m not unhappy. I’m just not feeling any emotional extremes at the moment. If we had a likert scale with 0 being extremely unhappy, 5 being extremely happy, I’d be a solid 3 -neutral.
Seems that I’m going through some emotion purging. Not a bad thing, for the new year.
So cancel calling the men in white. I’m doing just fine.
It’s been a great time for reflection as well. Remembering who I am, and what my values are. Reviewing all the knowledge I have gained and refreshing the resolutions made.
It’s not a bad thing to be at equilibrium for a change. After the constant acting and reacting, calm and stillness are in order.
I wish you the best this upcoming new year. Let’s talk more, next week. 🙂