Checking in after Points of Honesty 1 –> Struggling to Write, written to the tune of: On the Precipice of Defeat and Soundscape to Ardor, both soundtracks composed by Shiro Sagisu.
What a random journey.
The empty theater echoes as I speak. We sit in the back, above the screen, and after watching all the people leave 10 minutes ago, we’re all to ourselves. Our to-go cups are long cold, we’d underestimated the excitement of the “boring film” and we still had nearly full cups.
Eh, I don’t mind “cold chocolate”.
So, I’ll lean back in the semi-comfortable theater chair and share that, blogwise, I feel like I slammed to earth, hit the lowest point, then started to rise again. I’ve made a lot of progress with meeting new people, and reading new content. I’ve finally opened the door and started mingling with the locals, as it were.
Now that I’ve hit 100+ posts and 71+ followers, I’m conscious of my audience and why they might have followed my blog. And I want to continue writing for them, just as much as I want to continue writing for me.
I admit, I can’t be entirely selfish with this. And I don’t really want to.
Sigh…on a different note, this week was rough in different ways.
Without going into specifics, because it’s not my story, I find myself in a position of watching people act foolishly. By foolishly, I mean that decisions made and things said were not thought through, and now the repercussions are that dirty laundry are flapping in every breeze imaginable. It also means that people are taking sides on this…circumstance which has made things uncomfortable for me, because it has nothing to do with me, yet people expected me to get involved.
Live your life, figure it out.
Initially, I tried to help mitigate the situation, but I soon realized that this situation was bigger than me, was out of my control and that there was nothing to be done except step back and let people be themselves. Freedom means that you let people make their decisions, right? And I respect that fully. I may not agree, but I respect that people have choices.
Even if those choices lead to ruination.
I gulp down my drink and share that I’ve also been going through a tumultuous week. I haven’t been sleeping well, and getting 5 or less hours turned me into a veritable zombie this week. So my blog posts didn’t occur as regularly as I wanted- sorry about that!
I’ve also been reflecting on where I am located and how unhealthy the environment there is for me. It’s something I’ve been thinking over for quite some time, and I’m feeling it more every day. I felt it especially three days ago, when I was tired, slightly more emotional, and feeling the effects of being diminutized and being hurt by the loss of a friendship that, turns out, wasn’t a friendship at all.
Cue recurring theme in my life.
“If you want to have friends, show yourself friendly,” a saying I’ve lived my life by because who doesn’t want friends? At least one? For some reason, I’ve gone through a lot of friendships that turned out to not be friendships afterall.
In the back of my head, I keep thinking of the meme “forever alone”, but that’s not accurate. I do have friends and relationships like that, but they all tend to be far away. Proximity isn’t everything, but I miss having someone to hang out with on weekends and video game with- you have no idea how hard it is to find people who console video game where I live. Goshdarn adults, too good for Battlefield…
So, yeah, lots of stuff rattling in the noggin. I find myself being grateful for the few friends I do have. I can count them all on one hand, but they are each precious to me.
Maybe someday, I’ll share my philosophy on friendship and what makes a good one.
But today, let’s get you a hot cup of coffee, that cold stuff isn’t going to cut it.
Catch Coffee #6 with me next week Sunday. I’ll be more timely for sure!