This morning was a slap to the face. In serious review of the decisions leading to today, I stopped to really ponder the direction I decided to go.
Why I did I think in that moment that my decision was the right one? The justification being mere self-indulgence and complete recklessness. And sometimes, it’s not enough to know that your decisions didn’t hurt other people. Sometimes, it’s about how you hurt yourself.
Waking up this morning wasn’t a proud moment. The sour taste of regret, the cloying scent of failure permeating my thoughts as I stared in the mirror.
Is this really what I want to be doing? Why did I think it was worth it?
I don’t know if I’ve ever been disgusted by what I’ve done -mostly because I try to do the right thing. But this morning, I felt disgusting.
A shower helped.
Brushing teeth. Cleaning messes of yesterday. Eating. Trying to keep food down.
Lots of sleep.
Resting and reflecting.
Being disappointed in myself…I never want to feel that again. If I can’t be proud of who I am and what I do, then what is the point? No, better to be straight-laced and boring than to look the mirror and be revolted by what I see.
It’s time to take charge and be an adult. Make better decisions. Because I’ve learned that listening to the voice that says it doesn’t matter, is dangerous. When that voice whispers to take that step in the wrong direction, I can’t listen. Life is too short to waste it doing stupid things, and making bad decisions.
This idiot is growing up.